God prevailed me 🌈

i have been transformed. 

when i look back at 2025 i'm so grateful. 
i fall on my knees to thank God for bringing me through. 
i have a heart full of gratitude,
but if you saw my 2025, you would wonder why. lol. 

from beginning to end, chaos. 
things that could go wrong, did. 
breaks that could have helped, didn't come. lol. 
but all in all, the Lord sustained me. 

and let me tell you. 
He didn't just sustain me, 
He held me close. 
He fueled my peace and joy, so that regardless of my circumstances, 
i knew the Trinity was with me and within me. 

i knew that my circumstances would not kill me, 
although at times they felt like they would. 
i was able to enjoy my life, even though it seemed liked attacks were endless. 
financial attacks, physical attacks, emotional and mental attacks. fear tried to overcome me. distress tried to overcome me. life wanted me to give in and give up. 

but God prevailed me. 
i remained content in every season. 
i embraced the lesson, eventually, and came out better than when i went in. 

i'm believing for continued sustainment in 2026. 
i'm believing for the manifestation for the desires in my heart. 
i'm believing for the wisdom to receive God's blessings in His glory. 
i'm believing for the words to express my gratitude, 
to yell my testimony to the world. 
to bring others back into the family of Christ where they belong. 
i'm believing for restoration. to be used as a restorer for the Kingdom. 

i'm believing that my family and our lives
are living testimonies of God's grace, His mercy and His love. 

God ended this year by opening new doors for me. 
I believe that will continue in 2026. 
i'm so sure of it. 

as always, to God be all the glory, all the power, all the honor and all the praise. 

sunday 10/12/25

today, i got a message. a promise. a challenge. 

the Father attempting to reach me by extending His grace once again. 

reminding me that He created me and knows what’s in my heart. He knows how to manifest it, how to wield it and use it for not only my good but for the good of the kingdom.

He’s challenging me to put action behind my values.

todays church service reminded me of one of God’s attributes that ive been standing on, that it’s never too late. we’re never too old to walk in the promises of the Father and share in His glory. 

that the Father is a restorer of time. 

i do not need to mourn my mistakes, my foolishness, my fear. 

but instead, it can be a testament to God’s power, His grace, His Mercy, His miraculous power over my life. 

what a privilege! for God to call out to me. for Christ’s intercession to reach me. for the holy trinity to continue to believe in me, for me, for the kingdom. 

how this is even a challenge is shameful. with all that ive been redeemed from. 

but it is. the world is in me deep. 

although i know better, i make excuses for my idolatry. i claim victim, choosing not to lean into the power God says He has given me. 

how dare i?

this moment has made me realize how down bad i am. 

how this moment to choose my God is easier said than done. 

and over what? i’m too embarrassed to say. 

but i know it could never compare. 

and that’s the thing. the things I put over my God could never save me. 

i cannot rely on them although sometimes i try. 

but i want both. God and the things. 

and i want the things because I know God will always be there. 

but that’s not respect. that’s not behavior of a son of God but a child. 

when you are called to put action behind your faith, what will you choose?

forgiving your enemies

i’m working hard on forgiveness of my enemies. getting to the root of why it’s a problem. battling with the feeling that people think they can bully me, belittle me, disregard my autonomy. 

and it’s because i care too much of what they think. i need to understand that i can’t control the thoughts that others have, only mine. so if people think their getting one over on me, let them. if people think they have power of me, let them. if people think they are messing with my mind and emotions, let them. lol. they can think whatever they want. 

but what i’m thinking on, i know is fact. i know that i’m covered by the blood. i know that the Father will never forsake me. i know the promises that are mine. i know Christ has redeemed me and all that is His is mine. i know the impact of the enemy is temporary. i also know someone so small minded to let their will be controlled by evil could never stop all that God has for me. 

i also know that my battle isn’t with people who choose to be small and weak, but with the powers and principalities i can’t see. i know that true freedom comes from surrender to Christ in all things, including having love for your enemies. and i know my biggest flex is the redemption Christ has granted me & how that continues to be visible in my life. that i don’t look like what i’ve been through, and the sauce that i have cannot be taken. 

no lie, it’s hard living under attack from the enemy, but with Christ it’s much easier. so i forgive those who give in to less than. those who attack me because their controlled by fear, envy, and cowardice. in the moment, under attack, i forgive them, pray for them, wish them the best. because any enemy of mine is an enemy of God’s.

reminder to not be offended.

currently, i'm thinking about so many things so deeply. 

the new daredevil is on and i'm itching to spill about it on spill. i also have a second round of left overs i'm considering even though it's way past my eating time. but it's saturday. :) 

also, i'm on a shopping fast but my sister is sending me some fire fashions. also, i'm drinking wine. which is out of the ordinary but not so much on the weekends. 

but i knew i wanted to write. really write. 
i have my laptop on my lap sitting on my comfy bed fully indulged in this moment. 

and i have a topic. one that was already pre-destined. my spiritual tribe knew that i would be sitting here. that at this time i would have the topic that i would have. one related to offense. 

offended that my character is often tried and my ability not only questioned but my inability too many times assumed. the systems of the world that seep into our environments at work, in our relationships at home are built to offend. especially for those who prosper despite of evil with the help of heaven. so one could say, i should expect attempts to offend. 

but what drove me here to this blog, to my laptop, was the hurt and heaviness of those attempts, both intentionally and unintentionally. because the questioning of my character by the world, the twisted questions and statements of the enemy served by those with access to me, sometimes have me questioning myself. and this isn't new. since i was an adolescent, i've questioned me. 

my ability to perform. my ability to trust myself. my ability to have faith, to hear God, to do the right thing. my ability to stand up for myself. my ability to be creative, to be smart, to be stylish, to be wanted, to be beautiful, to have fun. lol. and i would sink into this pools of despair full of hypotheticals. and then eventually grow tired of the redundancy of self-pity and choose to perform anyway. only to be met with confirmation that i am exactly who God created me to be at that time. and that He was and is always with me. and He has pre-destined me to live the life the Spirit leads me. 

and that is why offense should have no power. 

because in Christ, i am settled. my life, my purpose, they are settled. 
my success is settled. my fulfillment is settled. 
i do not have to see my life through the lens of men and the systems of this world. 
and i can rest in my decisions and the truth that regardless, God has worked all things out for my God. 

because Christ is my purpose and my identity. that could never come into question. 
and as long as i do the work to keep my spirit aligned in Him, offense can never reach me let alone overpower me. 

when i read John Bevere’s book, The Bait of Satan, I took notes. I highlighted and made comments. I'm going to go over them again because I need a reminder. 

this declaration from my last post is so fitting;

Father, I will not allow an unpleasant response from others to deter  from Your truth. I do not want to abandon the flow of the Spirit for the desires of men.

a sad moment in time.

I say I don’t care

And when I say it, it feels true. 

But your absence tugs at my heart,

and I finally realized, 

I'd been lying to myself. 

Damn, so what does that mean?

Things I thought were true really aren’t?

Then what’s the real truth and how do I manage it?

It's sad that the truth behind some feelings takes some time to reveal themselves. 

And unless the conscious thought is given, they can stay hidden. 

Irrational feelings brought upon by defense mechanism can lead us, 

our thoughts, our actions, and the reactions we’re left to deal with. 

All based on an erratic unsustainable version of the truth. 

Why is that? Is it because we can’t handle the truth? 

Because I’d be lying if I said I knew what to do with it.

It doesn't seem that the world can handle truth. 

and so we’ve created mechanisms to either avoid it or twist it. 

And as a result, doing the most righteous thing seems so hard. So against our natural nature. Our pride. 

But what is pride, lol. 

According to Christ it is often misplaced, 

inflated by our ego and the cause of destruction. 

Is that what I want leading my decisions?

But it’s hard when i’m so familiar with the wrong way 

and the world, and at times our own communities, reject the right way. 

And your feelings, and your thoughts, your confidence, 

is based on some world created standard, 

so where does that leave you if you try something different?

Tbh, I am overflowing with emotion, feelings and their accompanying thoughts. 

My brain is like the ocean, tossing to and from, unsettled, chaotic, confused. 

I don’t know what I should want and even when I think I know what I do want, I don’t. 

Today, I’m crying out for help. 

a trip to hell

 a few things.

knowing that God created you on purpose is a powerful revelation.  

i’ve been a little irresponsible. i’ve encountered many beautiful and healing truths that i’ve forgotten to write down. an injustice really.

but in an effort of amends, i come here with the intent of laying my current truth out with words.

that i’ve been away to a dark place. alone slowly sinking further into an abyss. fear filled me, fogging my vision like a haze of hate. i was present in body only. my mind had been lost and my soul was burning. 

the lies felt like the only truth i could trust. 

in those moments you need someone who won’t give up on you. even though the terror has you pushing them away. but God needs to remind you, a way to get you to remember, just for a second, an undeniable truth that is written on your heart. 

for me, that was that i was created on purpose. with intention. out of love. meant for joy. no matter what is happening now. all the mistakes i’ve made, the binds i’m currently in, my creation cannot be disputed and neither can the Creator. the Creator made me, & He is righteous, perfect and loves me perfectly. 

at once i realized the lie beneath my eyes. because no way could i be abandoned, left for dead, useless and invaluable. God called me a masterpiece, created me in His holy image. lol. my being is the embodiment of love, righteousness, glory. i’m the bees knees, 1 of 1, created on purpose, with intention, ain’t nun like me. :)

and God used this imperfect being and made him perfect for me. and sometimes that bothers me. because sometimes it doesn’t look how i think it should look. and then the question becomes what is the source of my vision. is it the world or is it Christ. and then layers of false truths, misconceptions and assumptions come unraveling.

i don’t know if the public will understand this one. i may be a little too in my head, driven by my heart. but it’s honesty and it’s necessary. 

you were created in the image of God and no matter how far we go off course or distance ourselves from that truth we can always decide we want it to be true again and God will honor us, honor His truth, His original love for you when He made us, when Christ died for us. the greatest fucking sacrifice! for you. for us. 

 _________ some new affirmations in rotation____________

God is my father. 

Christ is the Son of God and my brother.

Christ saved me from destruction and from the evil of and in this world.

God has created me in His image, i am an image bearer of God my father, of Heaven, holiness, righteousness, power, peace, joy, wisdom, beauty and all good things.

i have been given power over all the powers and principalities of this world through Christ the Son, the Holy Spirit within me and God my Father. 

the Father will never forsake me, Christ is never far from me and the Holy Spirit is always in me guiding me.

i rebuke all devils, demons and any evil thing, lie & perversion from me, my family, our communities, our dwellings & possessions and anything that concerns us, & i send them to where Jesus sends them and i bind them & command them to stay there. 

in Jesus name, amen 🙏🏾 

the accountability factor

i'm starting this at work because it's super important to me that it gets done and after two days, we still have not started. 

this is a repeating pattern in my life. create mini goals and then forget about them. since they aren't huge milestone goals like, get a job, graduate college, they get passed over as too much time goes by. 

but i'm repenting. changing my mind about how i approach these goals. because honestly, they are smaller steps to bigger pictures. and as i get older, i realize how significant and necessary these smaller goals are. and honestly i'm tired of the lack of consistency and commitment. 

damn near every day God puts amazing ideas into my head. and like an inconsistent shepherd, i do not always put in the effort to address them. i'm hopeful about creating lasting change and this post is an element of that hope. 

i would also like to say that i am not ashamed of my shortcomings because i know that my family and I's success and wellbeing is not dependent on perfection. i also love who i am, who i was and who i am becoming. this is not an effort to change out of disdain, but out of a motivation and responsibility to level up. 

this is my accountability factor, my initiation factor, my affirmation factor. this is also an attempt at transparency because honesty is beautiful and so am i.

something radical

i wanted to come here before my computer falls asleep to start this. 
at least. because it is so important to me. 
and the habit of forgetting that, is getting old. 

how many times will i forget, 
that i am made up of words. 
God's words. towards me. for me. 

they tried to update blogger while i was away. 
nice try, but try harder. 
anyway, grateful for this medium regardless. 
simple. straight to the point. 

i made a voice note recently, 
about a moment that happened while I was praying. 
a shift in perspective, in not only what I was praying for, 
but also in my approach to our Father. 

Ultimately it had to do with asking and believing for something, 
that may or may not work within the law that our Father has established for this time. 
Because I was praying for someone else and I don't know their relationship with the Father. 
and for some reason I felt that whatever that relationship was, would affect the answer to my prayer. 

But when Jesus healed one at the request of another, 
it was never the faith of the sick that was questioned. 
(in some instances, the sick were dead.)
Jesus healed on account of the one asking. 
the father, the sister, the brother. 

we should never let pre-judgements take up room in our prayers for other people. 
it is not Godly, it is not how Jesus moved. 
i know that my Father is a Healer and wills for us to be and live healed. 
everyone! & I know that regardless of the circumstances, the miracles of my Father
will be a testament to His love and faithfulness, 
bringing glory to the Kingdom. 

sometimes it's so hard to live in the truth of God, 
because it is so different from our worldly way. 
but when we sit on a verse, a truth of God, 
& focus on it, dwell on it, meditate on it, day and night, 
think of it in relation to everything else thought of,
because the truth of God is the highest truth, nothing else is truer, 
that Word becomes a part of you. 
it becomes apart of your dna and changes you. 
changes things around you. 

our Father brought me here to tell me this, 
because i myself am changing. 
and it is my legacy that motivates that change daily. 

living God's truth relentlessly, is radical. 
it takes true intent, patience and boldness. 
it is unlike anything else, 
but it is your born again right to live in that power. 
and you can do it, and you will do it. 
and you are doing it right now. 

in the name of Jesus in which i live and breath. amen. 

the testimony of a failure.

it's a bit of a challenge for me to even start this.
considering where i start, how i start,
the places my spirit has been,
the lessons i've learned,
the realizations that i've had.

ultimately, i'm in a better place than i was a few weeks ago,
a few months ago,
a few years ago.
i truly hope you can say the same.

however, for a short time, i didn't feel like it.
i had felt the worst i have ever felt in a very long time.
this time, not at the hands of another,
but at my own.
that sense of failure is the worse.
when you feel that you are the cause of your own demise,
that you don't have what it takes to get where you 'need' to be.

it was important for me to write this for a few reasons.
one. to share my testimony of failure.
honestly, a huge part of my purpose is to overcome. as proof that it can be done.
two. for myself. to put into permanent words that i am in this uncertain and unfamiliar circumstance but yet, it still does not define me.
that at the same time i am living through something so undesirable,
i have so much to be thankful for.
to realize my own power is not all that matters, but that the gifts that God gives me through other people are just as significant and glorious.
truly very humbling.

i pride myself on being self-sustainable.
and even as i type those words i realize there is so much wrong with that statement.
pride is a farce.
a fake force we use to stand upon that ultimately will never do anything of value for us.
it is not how we or this world were created.
and self-sustainable? what a joke.
it is one thing to be lazy and to rely on others for everything with no intention of giving back,
and it is another to walk around as if you actually made yourself.
as if you thought of yourself before the creation of the earth.
as if you birthed yourself.
we literally must rely on the selflessness of another to be born.
and that is not a burden, but a gift.
therefore to realize that we were created to need help,
to work with others,
to give and to be given unto
is not a negative trait or weakness,
but actually a great strength.

i feel the tears coming now
as the spirit of God leads me through this post.
i usually always tend to know what i want to write,
but God always leads the words i use,
establishes the points that are made,
lays out the truths that are revealed.
He is truly the author.

i don't want to get too specific about the failure i've experienced.
for while i regard these words as personal while still open to having them read by the public,
there are some i wish i could actually block.
and i do not have enough strength as of yet,
to be vulnerable with those
i truly do not personally prefer.

but know, that i would be categorized as ambitious.
and career accomplishments mean a great deal more than they should to me.
and in one of my greatest and most challenging marathons, i have 'failed'.

failed is in quotes, because honestly, it is subjective and objective at the same time.
i literally did fail the challenge, but my failure has aided in my success in so many other areas of my existence that God would find much more important.
and realizing that was another challenge.
a challenge that i am winning at.

my dad reminded me of something a few days ago,
that a true test and showing of character are our actions when we fall.
so while it was tough getting back up. so so tough.
especially after truly wishing i were dead instead of alive,
believing that i wasn't worth the ground that i was walking on,
feeling unworthy of all the blessings i had received and was still receiving,
after some time i still got up.
i am still thankful.
i still feel blessed.
i still feel like i'm the shxt.
i still feel that God created me on purpose,
and that i cannot be faded.

on top of that,
i still receive opportunities to do what i've always wanted to do.
my cup is still overflowing,
and God has been there every step of the way. 

so honestly, i must ask God for forgiveness.
not for doubting His existence,
but doubting His provision and love for me.
for undermining His purpose and believing that me and my life must have been a mistake.
the thoughts i thought, the words i spoke, the feelings i allowed myself to feel
were a disservice to me and all those who cared for me.
i shut people out, i wallowed in my pain and found joy in my demise.
it was selfish, shortsighted and ignorant.
i let the enemy convince me that all God had done for me meant nothing.
i let myself believe that all God had helped me accomplish thus far was a joke.

it's funny. i 'pride' myself in seeing the value of community. lol.
and i turn my nose up at elitism.
but when it comes to myself, i let the very truths i preach, do nothing to lift me up.
some of my mentees reached out to me that weekend, unknowing of the tragic circumstance,
to tell me how much i meant to them.
my life long friends reached out to me repeatedly so concerned with my well-being, also not knowing the circumstance.
my parents still had the audacity to be proud of me even though i felt as if i let them down.
my mentor still saw value in me, my colleagues still wanted to collaborate with me.
i had to dig deep into the Word of God to seek understanding only to find it and establish an even greater relationship.
i am looking at myself from the outside in to see the most accurate perspective of my life and my circumstance and what i see, i am still in love with. <3

Take Your Own Advice

i wish i could be poetic,

but the best way for me 

to articulate the truths i’m realizing,

is to speak them how they come. 

my life is the one i’m most intimate with,

but i know enough to know,

that the feelings and fears i face

are not isolated thoughts

directed only towards me

but shared by many, with the goal to defeat.

we can work so hard

and come so far

and win so many battles

and still face fear.

because after one goal

there is another.

even if that goal is only

to maintain a peace that cannot be shaken.

here i am,

facing another goal.

a goal so big

i forget the ones i’ve already conquered.

& here i am, 

surrounded by circumstances of fire

that while although uncomfortable,

scary, and blinding,

can be used to refine me,

enhance me, make me better than before.

when we see this in others

it is easy to tell them to keep going.

it is easy to see that this trial will not last,

and all winning takes is commitment.

the action of not stopping, action to keep going.

it’s a marathon not a race we say.

but for ourselves

that truth can often seem so far away. 

we forget that we’re built to last

and begin to believe

that we’re destined to fail.

no matter how many wins you claim

this fear will always attempt to meet you,

attempt to prevent you from taking the next step.

but then i saw a person

who felt down on their luck.

their passion was real,

their heart was good,

but they felt their circumstances 

were instead, to be the death of them.

they couldn’t catch a break they said.

success wasn’t meant for them they said. 

& i believed wholeheartedly

with not one doubt in my heart

that there was a light at the end of their trial.

it was easy for me to see

that all they had to do was keep going,

keep believing.

& i knew it was worth it to do so.

& then i took those thoughts for myself.

& i looked at my life through a different lens,

an outside one.

and i could see the win so clearly

& begin to believe wholeheartedly

that the brightest light was at the end of my own tunnel. :)

Standing Apart

When I was young I used to write about romance. Infatuations destined to fail that weren’t deserving of my attention or my efforts. But yet they remained the subject of my heart. 

Now I choose to write in a much more abstract way. Digging down to the root of the moment the desires that push us, the conflicts that keep us apart and why they are so. The tendencies of human nature. 

I believe we may attract similar brokenness we ourselves feel when choosing our companions, friends and lovers. And although it is easy to recognize and criticize in others, do we consider that maybe their brokenness is a reflection of ourselves?

If that’s the case, then our pride in what we see as righteousness is false and needs to be dismissed. The superiority we gain only exists to deceive and separate us from our community. How then do we address the obvious ungodliness that exists amongst us and in us?

Of course just recently, I wrote a note on a bible verse I highlighted during bible study. 

“And if anyone does not obey our word in this epistle, note that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. Yet do not count him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.” II Thessalonians 3:14-15

A guide to how we should approach others in our community. Always making the value of community a priority. 💕

Then I also realized, that Christ never denied who He was. Although humility was always His character, He stood firm in His identity, being that He was the Son of the Almighty, to whom all of earth and heaven was given. Though He came to serve, He was the key to our existence, our prosperity, our wisdom.

Therefore, we can recognize our imperfections without denying our identity. We can acknowledge someone else's brokenness, and understand that it is a reflection of our own, while also understanding that it does not define or bind us.

That is the difference between them and we. For they may choose to deny their weaknesses, seeing no need for prayer and change. And we, we work diligently to see Christ as our reflection. To not let insecurity drive us to spite and fear drive us to deceit. In that truth we have strength and can continue to hold our head high. And although the world may regard us as weak, it is only for a moment.

open eyes 👀

i recognized something today,
something that i've already known,
but have consistently pushed to the back of my mind.

i realize
the enemy has used the things i like,
to replace the things i love.

distractions are an essential tactic
of the enemy.
to keep you from purpose,
from peace,
from prosperity.

trials can arise un-welcomed feelings.
shame, defeat, inadequacy.
and those feelings confront me now.
i want to believe what God says,
which is so strong in my heart.

that trials reveal courage,
and produce strength.
they also open eyes and minds
to previously hidden truths,
about ourselves,
& about our God.

i'm so grateful for this moment,
to be writing these words,
fulfilling this purpose.

but i'm in the midst of uncertainty and chaos.
and feeling peace,
seems irresponsible.

i've been through enough,
and am too familiar with the negative confronting me,
to know that my Father would never forsake me.
that every low is only temporary,
and that God is always many steps ahead of me.

so in this, what i have seen,
is that the world's "peace"
brought upon by a false sense of security,
in the things we believe the world has given us,
is deceiving us.
and peace is not money or certainty in our own ability,
but in our Father,
and the truth that He is always with us,
always working for and in us,
regardless of what our circumstances look like.

i previously called 2020 the year of breakthrough,
for other reasons,
but i'm seeing more now.

so i choose to defy the enemy,
and be happy in his face.
be grateful,
and positively expectant.
i will not take the fear he is trying to hand me,
and i won't just look at my now,
but at all the wins God has handed me.

a year of breakthroughs

the feelings i carry are strength and power.

joy with good expectation.

gratitude for my holy community,

provision from my Heavenly Father. 

we feel protected and happy,

with knowledge that together in Him,

we could never lack. 

i have changed my life for the better,

and leant on my faith to do it.

the light, i couldn’t see at first,

fear and resistance was all i felt.

but i remembered the pain i felt in my heart

& the prayers between me and the Father,  

& i continued on,

as we had discussed.

packing up my stuff & my heart 

knowing that leaving,

was better than staying. 

Numbering Our Days

It could happen to anyone,
and it could happen at any time.

i read a few interpretations about my chosen bible verse today,

“So teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom” Psalm 90:12

...and one i actually really enjoyed.
i felt it was spot on in identifying what i felt.

it is here at, unlocking the bible.

but then later as i was going about my day,
thinking of a combination of things,
i realized also, what God had wanted us to see from 'numbering our days'. 

because a beautiful reality about God's word, 

is that its verses are so full for interpretation. 

meanings found in different contexts, using different minds, 

seeing what someone else cannot.

so i realized that, your days are gifts,
that are not promised.
the privileges we carry of walking,
talking, seeing, thinking, feeling, breathing etc...
are privileges that could be taken away from us at any moment.

acknowledging this shouldn't increase our fear,
but rather a gratitude,
that fills our hearts,
and fuels her hope.

numbering your days,
centers around being grateful.
being grateful for what you have,
the lessons you've learned,
and living in hope,
for what is to come.

but i think in living,
we always look forward to the good,
and wish and hope for the good,
without preparing and acknowledging the bad.
understanding that the bad is inevitable,
and looking to the bad, knowing that it will produce good.

with that wisdom reference in our mental frame,
can anything really bring us down?
can hopelessness really rob us of our days?
it cannot.

currently giving into distraction

something is really wrong with me.
because i have reached a point of complacency.
there always exist this point,
where i have exerted all the energy,
i have left.
similar to fxxks,
as i stop giving them.

i see these beautiful things,
and these beautiful creations and collaborations 

& i feel like they must not be like me.
i bet they never get tired.
or they plan their tired, 

delegate a portion of time,
to doing nothing.
why can't i delegate my time.
why can't i be as disciplined.

on paper it seems as if i'm doing a lot,
as if i'm working towards a dream,
that i'm leveling up, 

but in reality,
it always feels as if,
i'm not doing enough.
not enough for my education,
not enough for my work,
not enough for my writing,
not enough for my blogging,
not enough for my creativity,
not enough for my advocacy, 

not enough for my God,

not enough for my church,
not enough for my man,
not enough for my friends.

some of it is drama,
plagued with exaggeration,
and some of it is natural,
worthy of respect and acknowledgement and compassion,
but i cannot tell the difference,
i cannot tell you,
how much of it is my own fault,
compared to what's expected from reality.

will i ever be better,
i cannot tell.
my faith says yes,
my fear says hell no.
but what i do know.
is fear has no place here,
so even still,
in the midst of all this confusion,
what effort i do give,
is not for nothing.
even when it makes no sense,
i will replace fear with faith.

why would i care

why do i care so much about pleasing you,

when you will just do what you want to. 

even at the expense of us,

with a disregard for me.

i don’t deserve effort?

i don’t deserve discipline?

i don’t deserve respect? 

or maybe sometimes,

but only you get to decide. 

how can you be the head

when you possess no brain.

...because you must be stupid.

to taint life with death,

to bring rain into our sunshine,

to think you could still have,

what you gave away,

when you gave into yourself,

instead of giving into us.

why would i care at all about pleasing you

power in community

my mind has a tendency to take things too far. 

i make a mistake, 

…because people make mistakes, 

and suddenly, 

i’m not deserving of life. 

suddenly all of my short comings

come racing to the front of my mind, 

trying to ‘remind’ me 

that i’m a disappointment, 

a waste of talent, 

disillusioned by my own conceit. 

but wait, 

there’s a kicker, 

because while i’m falling further and further

into despair by deceit, 

the power of God has to be tucked somewhere, 

somewhere away and deep, 

so that it doesn’t save me 

from this fake misery, 

slowly turning real. 

because in order for my mind to be completely taken, 

and in order to make myself into my own worse enemy, 

you have to attack the faith

i’ve so diligently built up until now. 

so what happens to it?

how does it become null and void?

well, in the process of blaming myself, 

for everything bad in life, 

i begin to feel undeserving. 

(as if, all that Grace and Mercy and Love God gives me, 

He some how does because I deserve it. LOL….)

& even though i’ve never deserved it, 

this hollow space i’m currently in, 

full of blame and bitchassness, 

has me feeling that God has abandoned me, 

due to my lack of efficiency and wasted value. 

what. a. place. to. be. in….

and then it only gets worse, 

and continues on and on, 

making everything miserable, 

isolating me from my community, 

because my affection has turned into annoyance

and I am slowly projecting the things that i feel, 

negativity, cynicism and selfishness. 

but today, something different happened. 

today i decided to talk about my mistake 

as soon as i made it, 

i begin to talk out how it made me feel, 

and the repercussions i knew to expect, 

from feeling so insufficient, 

and i kept talking, 

and literally, 

talked myself out of it. 

it’s as if all the bullshxt could not happen, 

because i had already deemed it, 

null and void. 

i’ve had experiences with this before, 

but at this time and this moment, 

it was a sign of something, 

God consistently reminds me of, 

that community. is. everything!

this is big for me because at times, 

i resent community. 

i resent not all being on the same page, 

i resent natural human interactions; 

insecurity, jealousy, pettiness, inauthenticity 

i can love you from a distance, 

but having to work closely, 

where your feelings affect progress, 

or my feelings affect my politeness, 

it’s. a. big. no. for. me. dog. 

but this is my challenge. 

this is my area of uncomfortable

that i must step up too and face head on. 

because community is everything. 

and for every compromised moment, 

a member of your community ushers in, 

they usually have many that illustrate

joy, selflessness, empathy, support, etc. 

you have to take the good with the bad, 

because the bad helps cultivate the good. 

we can use our reaction to negativity 

to fertilize the good we’re trying to grow. 

but we are the activators that must turn 

bad to good. 

& if we think, 

or i think, 

that i am above 

having to communicate with and support

unperfect people, 

i will never come into the fullness of my potential, 

i will never see the most magical parts of me, 

that God intended to grow in me. 

I would stay stuck full of resentment, 

fighting against the one thing

that I need to grow, 

grow wisdom, patience and effectiveness. 

having that small chit chat helped give me

hours and days of my life back. 

that conversation with a member of my community, 

who also from time to time, 

severely gets on my nerves, 

saved me from wasted moments of depression. 

i could never deny that power of solidarity, friendship and community. 

i’m praying that i never try to again.