the accountability factor

i'm starting this at work because it's super important to me that it gets done and after two days, we still have not started. 

this is a repeating pattern in my life. create mini goals and then forget about them. since they aren't huge milestone goals like, get a job, graduate college, they get passed over as too much time goes by. 

but i'm repenting. changing my mind about how i approach these goals. because honestly, they are smaller steps to bigger pictures. and as i get older, i realize how significant and necessary these smaller goals are. and honestly i'm tired of the lack of consistency and commitment. 

damn near every day God puts amazing ideas into my head. and like an inconsistent shepherd, i do not always put in the effort to address them. i'm hopeful about creating lasting change and this post is an element of that hope. 

i would also like to say that i am not ashamed of my shortcomings because i know that my family and I's success and wellbeing is not dependent on perfection. i also love who i am, who i was and who i am becoming. this is not an effort to change out of disdain, but out of a motivation and responsibility to level up. 

this is my accountability factor, my initiation factor, my affirmation factor. this is also an attempt at transparency because honesty is beautiful and so am i.

something radical

i wanted to come here before my computer falls asleep to start this. 
at least. because it is so important to me. 
and the habit of forgetting that, is getting old. 

how many times will i forget, 
that i am made up of words. 
God's words. towards me. for me. 

they tried to update blogger while i was away. 
nice try, but try harder. 
anyway, grateful for this medium regardless. 
simple. straight to the point. 

i made a voice note recently, 
about a moment that happened while I was praying. 
a shift in perspective, in not only what I was praying for, 
but also in my approach to our Father. 

Ultimately it had to do with asking and believing for something, 
that may or may not work within the law that our Father has established for this time. 
Because I was praying for someone else and I don't know their relationship with the Father. 
and for some reason I felt that whatever that relationship was, would affect the answer to my prayer. 

But when Jesus healed one at the request of another, 
it was never the faith of the sick that was questioned. 
(in some instances, the sick were dead.)
Jesus healed on account of the one asking. 
the father, the sister, the brother. 

we should never let pre-judgements take up room in our prayers for other people. 
it is not Godly, it is not how Jesus moved. 
i know that my Father is a Healer and wills for us to be and live healed. 
everyone! & I know that regardless of the circumstances, the miracles of my Father
will be a testament to His love and faithfulness, 
bringing glory to the Kingdom. 

sometimes it's so hard to live in the truth of God, 
because it is so different from our worldly way. 
but when we sit on a verse, a truth of God, 
& focus on it, dwell on it, meditate on it, day and night, 
think of it in relation to everything else thought of,
because the truth of God is the highest truth, nothing else is truer, 
that Word becomes a part of you. 
it becomes apart of your dna and changes you. 
changes things around you. 

our Father brought me here to tell me this, 
because i myself am changing. 
and it is my legacy that motivates that change daily. 

living God's truth relentlessly, is radical. 
it takes true intent, patience and boldness. 
it is unlike anything else, 
but it is your born again right to live in that power. 
and you can do it, and you will do it. 
and you are doing it right now. 

in the name of Jesus in which i live and breath. amen. 

the testimony of a failure.

it's a bit of a challenge for me to even start this.
considering where i start, how i start,
the places my spirit has been,
the lessons i've learned,
the realizations that i've had.

ultimately, i'm in a better place than i was a few weeks ago,
a few months ago,
a few years ago.
i truly hope you can say the same.

however, for a short time, i didn't feel like it.
i had felt the worst i have ever felt in a very long time.
this time, not at the hands of another,
but at my own.
that sense of failure is the worse.
when you feel that you are the cause of your own demise,
that you don't have what it takes to get where you 'need' to be.

it was important for me to write this for a few reasons.
one. to share my testimony of failure.
honestly, a huge part of my purpose is to overcome. as proof that it can be done.
two. for myself. to put into permanent words that i am in this uncertain and unfamiliar circumstance but yet, it still does not define me.
that at the same time i am living through something so undesirable,
i have so much to be thankful for.
to realize my own power is not all that matters, but that the gifts that God gives me through other people are just as significant and glorious.
truly very humbling.

i pride myself on being self-sustainable.
and even as i type those words i realize there is so much wrong with that statement.
pride is a farce.
a fake force we use to stand upon that ultimately will never do anything of value for us.
it is not how we or this world were created.
and self-sustainable? what a joke.
it is one thing to be lazy and to rely on others for everything with no intention of giving back,
and it is another to walk around as if you actually made yourself.
as if you thought of yourself before the creation of the earth.
as if you birthed yourself.
we literally must rely on the selflessness of another to be born.
and that is not a burden, but a gift.
therefore to realize that we were created to need help,
to work with others,
to give and to be given unto
is not a negative trait or weakness,
but actually a great strength.

i feel the tears coming now
as the spirit of God leads me through this post.
i usually always tend to know what i want to write,
but God always leads the words i use,
establishes the points that are made,
lays out the truths that are revealed.
He is truly the author.

i don't want to get too specific about the failure i've experienced.
for while i regard these words as personal while still open to having them read by the public,
there are some i wish i could actually block.
and i do not have enough strength as of yet,
to be vulnerable with those
i truly do not personally prefer.

but know, that i would be categorized as ambitious.
and career accomplishments mean a great deal more than they should to me.
and in one of my greatest and most challenging marathons, i have 'failed'.

failed is in quotes, because honestly, it is subjective and objective at the same time.
i literally did fail the challenge, but my failure has aided in my success in so many other areas of my existence that God would find much more important.
and realizing that was another challenge.
a challenge that i am winning at.

my dad reminded me of something a few days ago,
that a true test and showing of character are our actions when we fall.
so while it was tough getting back up. so so tough.
especially after truly wishing i were dead instead of alive,
believing that i wasn't worth the ground that i was walking on,
feeling unworthy of all the blessings i had received and was still receiving,
after some time i still got up.
i am still thankful.
i still feel blessed.
i still feel like i'm the shxt.
i still feel that God created me on purpose,
and that i cannot be faded.

on top of that,
i still receive opportunities to do what i've always wanted to do.
my cup is still overflowing,
and God has been there every step of the way. 

so honestly, i must ask God for forgiveness.
not for doubting His existence,
but doubting His provision and love for me.
for undermining His purpose and believing that me and my life must have been a mistake.
the thoughts i thought, the words i spoke, the feelings i allowed myself to feel
were a disservice to me and all those who cared for me.
i shut people out, i wallowed in my pain and found joy in my demise.
it was selfish, shortsighted and ignorant.
i let the enemy convince me that all God had done for me meant nothing.
i let myself believe that all God had helped me accomplish thus far was a joke.

it's funny. i 'pride' myself in seeing the value of community. lol.
and i turn my nose up at elitism.
but when it comes to myself, i let the very truths i preach, do nothing to lift me up.
some of my mentees reached out to me that weekend, unknowing of the tragic circumstance,
to tell me how much i meant to them.
my life long friends reached out to me repeatedly so concerned with my well-being, also not knowing the circumstance.
my parents still had the audacity to be proud of me even though i felt as if i let them down.
my mentor still saw value in me, my colleagues still wanted to collaborate with me.
i had to dig deep into the Word of God to seek understanding only to find it and establish an even greater relationship.
i am looking at myself from the outside in to see the most accurate perspective of my life and my circumstance and what i see, i am still in love with. <3

Take Your Own Advice

i wish i could be poetic,

but the best way for me 

to articulate the truths i’m realizing,

is to speak them how they come. 

my life is the one i’m most intimate with,

but i know enough to know,

that the feelings and fears i face

are not isolated thoughts

directed only towards me

but shared by many, with the goal to defeat.

we can work so hard

and come so far

and win so many battles

and still face fear.

because after one goal

there is another.

even if that goal is only

to maintain a peace that cannot be shaken.

here i am,

facing another goal.

a goal so big

i forget the ones i’ve already conquered.

& here i am, 

surrounded by circumstances of fire

that while although uncomfortable,

scary, and blinding,

can be used to refine me,

enhance me, make me better than before.

when we see this in others

it is easy to tell them to keep going.

it is easy to see that this trial will not last,

and all winning takes is commitment.

the action of not stopping, action to keep going.

it’s a marathon not a race we say.

but for ourselves

that truth can often seem so far away. 

we forget that we’re built to last

and begin to believe

that we’re destined to fail.

no matter how many wins you claim

this fear will always attempt to meet you,

attempt to prevent you from taking the next step.

but then i saw a person

who felt down on their luck.

their passion was real,

their heart was good,

but they felt their circumstances 

were instead, to be the death of them.

they couldn’t catch a break they said.

success wasn’t meant for them they said. 

& i believed wholeheartedly

with not one doubt in my heart

that there was a light at the end of their trial.

it was easy for me to see

that all they had to do was keep going,

keep believing.

& i knew it was worth it to do so.

& then i took those thoughts for myself.

& i looked at my life through a different lens,

an outside one.

and i could see the win so clearly

& begin to believe wholeheartedly

that the brightest light was at the end of my own tunnel. :)

Numbering Our Days

It could happen to anyone,
and it could happen at any time.

i read a few interpretations about my chosen bible verse today,

“So teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom” Psalm 90:12

...and one i actually really enjoyed.
i felt it was spot on in identifying what i felt.

it is here at, unlocking the bible.

but then later as i was going about my day,
thinking of a combination of things,
i realized also, what God had wanted us to see from 'numbering our days'. 

because a beautiful reality about God's word, 

is that its verses are so full for interpretation. 

meanings found in different contexts, using different minds, 

seeing what someone else cannot.

so i realized that, your days are gifts,
that are not promised.
the privileges we carry of walking,
talking, seeing, thinking, feeling, breathing etc...
are privileges that could be taken away from us at any moment.

acknowledging this shouldn't increase our fear,
but rather a gratitude,
that fills our hearts,
and fuels her hope.

numbering your days,
centers around being grateful.
being grateful for what you have,
the lessons you've learned,
and living in hope,
for what is to come.

but i think in living,
we always look forward to the good,
and wish and hope for the good,
without preparing and acknowledging the bad.
understanding that the bad is inevitable,
and looking to the bad, knowing that it will produce good.

with that wisdom reference in our mental frame,
can anything really bring us down?
can hopelessness really rob us of our days?
it cannot.

devestatingly honest

sometimes. 

i don’t know how to be happy.

i am filled with disappointment,

filled with fear.

good cannot live here. 

thoughts defeat me,

and my character is destroyed.

blinded in a darkness,

that chokes my breath. 

i am filled with distress.

and all this loss.

comes out in tears.

i get scared, 

because in these moments,

i don’t want to live.

& i hate myself,

for not being able to maneuver,

in this world,

with other people,

who are not my enemy.

i can admit that.

the problem is not them,

it is me.

i can’t hold onto the victory long enough,

and i let everything go,

my hope and my goals. 

after that, nothing is what’s left.

currently giving into distraction

something is really wrong with me.
because i have reached a point of complacency.
there always exist this point,
where i have exerted all the energy,
i have left.
similar to fxxks,
as i stop giving them.

i see these beautiful things,
and these beautiful creations and collaborations 

& i feel like they must not be like me.
i bet they never get tired.
or they plan their tired, 

delegate a portion of time,
to doing nothing.
why can't i delegate my time.
why can't i be as disciplined.

on paper it seems as if i'm doing a lot,
as if i'm working towards a dream,
that i'm leveling up, 

but in reality,
it always feels as if,
i'm not doing enough.
not enough for my education,
not enough for my work,
not enough for my writing,
not enough for my blogging,
not enough for my creativity,
not enough for my advocacy, 

not enough for my God,

not enough for my church,
not enough for my man,
not enough for my friends.

some of it is drama,
plagued with exaggeration,
and some of it is natural,
worthy of respect and acknowledgement and compassion,
but i cannot tell the difference,
i cannot tell you,
how much of it is my own fault,
compared to what's expected from reality.

will i ever be better,
i cannot tell.
my faith says yes,
my fear says hell no.
but what i do know.
is fear has no place here,
so even still,
in the midst of all this confusion,
what effort i do give,
is not for nothing.
even when it makes no sense,
i will replace fear with faith.

2018 ressurection day

happy easter y'all.
i was wondering how i would demonstrate my love for easter today.

my church and i have been going through a transition phase,
and attending just didn't spark the inspiration that it usually does on holidays.
so i decided to by pass attending and instead watch it online.

and although i'm growing,
in both knowledge and wisdom,
sometimes my growth feels like i'm leaning away from God,
and more on myself.
and for me, that's tragic.
because if that's true, it will only last for awhile,
but God's guidance and protection last forever and never fail.

but then i realized, that my steps of growth,
have been ordered by God.
i lean less on God regarding trials i'm familiar with,
and more on the larger trials that come my way.
mo money mo problems.
God wants me to grow in strength and knowledge,
because that in an of itself is a testimony to His majesty.
the trials i've been through, to get where i'm at,
i would not be here if it wasn't for the grace and mercy of God
that supplements my insufficiencies.
because in an of myself, i could not do what i've done!

even as i sit here, sitting in bed,
my life could either be categorized as shambles,
or as a testimony to the power of God's peace that He gives me,
through His son Jesus, who has given His life,
so that I may live mine with God and Him in it.

the IRS is trying to come for me.
i'm behind on assignments in school.
my employees at times are unpredictable.
my boyfriend is away in another country.
i need my brakes done, but I just bought a new purse.
mind you, my last check went nearly to all bills.

but these trials, i've seen them before.
and the wisdom God has given me,
about my priorities allows me to place the most weight,
on the fact that i'm still here, and that I still keep going.
my family and my partner are my support system,
Christ is my overseer.
i'm at peace because I believe in the power that Christ has afforded me.
i am not phased, i am motivated, i am hopeful, full of holy expectancy.
this is the greatest gift.
that even though everything does not seem ideal,
it is getting better daily.
better in ways beyond my imagination.

this is my 2018 easter and i am so grateful.

death of self confidence

i always surprise myself.
is this good?
always being surprised that you're actually more sufficient,
than you thought you were?
why you always thinking you insufficient?

confidence in Christ,
is so much better than confidence in self.
i believe i am always in this battle,
because this world pushes so much need for self-confidence on you.
but this is not me.

if i attempt to act like this, from the self,
it is inconsistent,
it is not sustainable,
it is fake, most times,
and keeps you from acting in honesty with others.

but when i am confident in Christ,
for the sake of my relationship with my God
for the sake of my own well-being,
for the sake of my intimate relationship,
for the sake of my family,
for the sake of my efforts,
for the sake of my friends,
for the sake of my career,
it is not in vain.

only i can be inconsistent,
the Lord cannot.
He will always come through,
He will always love,
and grant peace,
and defeat that which acts against you.

it is when i forget this,
and judge my circumstances based off my own capacity,
and judge my future based off my own capacity,
that i am destined to fail,
that i am destined to break.
alone i am weak,
in Christ i am everything good.

imagine that.

clueless

whoa nellie, that's how i'm feeling right now.
this post is going to be topical. meaning focused on a specific topic. lol.

there are some things i have to experience,
before i truly understand them,
or understand an age-old concept about them.

it's bazaar that some truths remain truths forever.
characteristics of people, or certain traits attributed to men or women.
old history and old text constantly confirm,
people were bazaar and self-harm inflicting then, & they are now as well.
this can be taken in a serious perspective,
but it can also be taken in a humorous one.

i never actually thought i would be the dumb girl,
in the old rom-com movies i watched as a child, and a teen.
all the game i had spotted growing up,
was sure to keep me from getting played.
but it's nothing like actually being there.
experiencing the feelings and thoughts that drive undesirable situations into existence.
women and men have been feeling and thinking those things for centuries.

some things have become cliches,
because they are nearly inevitably true.
not everyone is the same, there are exceptions, always, that's a gift,
but, it can be said, that a lot of women have relatable experiences with one another,
because the problematic man/woman scenario has existed also, for centuries.
& the women's submissive status has been perverted by men in every part of the world.

i say that to say, i thought it was kind of funny,
that at the current moment, i can look at my 'romantic' life,
and spot so many fxxking cliches. lol.
'rebounds' especially sorely stick out,
and how dumb you can be when experiencing them.
not realizing that you have all of these open and active emotions,
from your past relationship, that are pouring into and clouding your
judgement with this new dude.
& you're just sitting there wondering,
'why do i have all the feels for this guy,
is this God', no bxtch, it's you, being reckless.
impatient and ignorant.
but look,
i wouldn't know if i didn't do it. lol.
sometimes i have to be stupid that way.
not condoning this,
just being transparent.

i felt all those 90 and early 2000 movies flooding into my memory,
about how guys are deuschbags, and girls are too feel-y, too fast.
& then even some of the super ratchet ones, where i could make a decision,
'was i going to be about that life, or not' (crying face emoji here)
nah, not over here. at least not right now, & hopefully not ever.
i had a taste & i'm not with the shxts.
& guys, will take you out of your character,
dangling fake love in front of your face,
as if that's not corny.
special place in hell for you bro,
you better repent.
open your fxxkin eyes.

anyway, the world keeps turning.
i'm just going to get a better handle on that shxt.

love's risk

i want to step back, 

look at me, my actions, my thoughts, 

all objectively. 

i think i'm acting inappropriately, 

i think i'm assuming and jumping to conclusions. 

two reasons. 

one due to my own guilt. 

second, because the devil doesn't want me to have this. 

he's making it easy for me, 

to settle in selfishness and near sightedness, 

making it hard to act from appreciation, 

instead acting from suspicion and coldness. 

sometimes i lose my frame of reference, for the worst. 

and i consider and evaluate circumstances that aren't real, 

or haven't happened. 

giving time analyzing thoughts that have should have no real basis. 

it's disturbing. wasting life, while simultaneously ruining it. 

you can fall deeper into despairing thoughts, 

give in to them all, 

the ones about our love, 

ourselves, 

our worth. 

i don't want that cancer to live between us. 

i don't want to self-destruct, 

and kill off all the relationships around me. 

i don't want to be scared to love the hardest. 

i don't want to fear having to forgive.

i want to value you as a whole, 

not pick you apart. 

easier said than done. 

but here's the risk, 

because i'm going to try God here, 

all the time. 

i'm going to be a beacon of love, 

i'm going to let God use me, 

& i'm going to trust Him, not you, 

to always keep me safe, 

to always keep us safe. 

so, this happened.

things happen that question, 

how we truly feel about a person.

someone who receives our devotion

& adoration, suddenly makes,

a truly human mistake, to you.

what do you do?!

if it were a stranger, it'd be easy. 

'hater. idgaf'

but this is your kin,

someone you've built your soul

up with, connected to your

eternal spirit. this is the 

farthest thing from a stranger,

this is a known, acknowledged,

piece of you. lol. what do you do.

WWJD.

forgiveness can be the most

bizarre thing. 

but I've known God in me,

for a long time now. 

& with my fragility, 

have solely depended on Him,

for my entire survival.

so when confronted with,

judgement & disregard,

partly out of ignorance,

partly out of arrogance,

my initial reaction was

shock, disappointment,

a little lostness, a bit broken.

out of all the things to expect,

a lack of doubt in my ability,

to live & navigate through my life,

from you?!

all those moments of 

transparency,

so that you can attempt 

to use them against me?!

talk about hating vulnerability.

but then Jesus reminds me,

how much we all are,

subject to human error.

stuck in our own thoughts,

thinking we're reading in between 

lines, but we're really just filling

in gaps, because we want to

think, we know it all.

when really,

you don't know shxt.

your own life could attest 

to that. no shade. 

& Jesus showed me, why

this may have been 

necessary. not only to show me

pieces of myself, where I've violated, 

as you have.

but for me to practice the 

beauty of forgiveness,

on an entirely new level.

therefor, i thank you for

these words, that you've

given me the opportunity 

to write. i actually thank you

for a lot more than that. you 

know. this only strengthens.

me, you, 🙈🙊🙉, us. 

even when it's dark.

i wrote the post that is to follow, in september,

but things can move so fast in life, 

& although one day you're feeling the victory, 

other days, not so much.

mad shxt got in the way between me writing this, 

& eventually posting it. 

even now, I'm not so sure. 

I mean, what it says is true, 

but am i currently feeling ideal about life...

lol, no. 

but that strengthens my desire to post this, even now.

because it be when I'm in the trenches, 

that I'm feeling the boldest. 

______________________________________

It's amazing what God can do. 

my last post, 

was a piece of transparency.

I chose to lay out the insides of me, 

in an effort to understand my own frustration, 

as well as be a resource for anyone,

who could remotely relate. 

I don't usually share my pain, 

as it happens in the now. 

too many distractions, 

too much opportunity being given, 

for something to be used against me.

usually, I'm too vulnerable in the midst of darkness. 

too close to fear to let anyone in. 

but i think I had just had enough. 

& I refused to be scared after all that I had accomplished.

even if the world was so set on breaking me, 

I could no longer be timid. 

I realized my value, my worth, my ability...

nobody could take that away from me. 

but the place I'm in now, 

compared to where I was, 

just a few months ago...

only God could do. 

I knew that God turned my losses into wins, 

I knew that everything that was taken from me, 

had to be returned. in excess. 

I knew that I was Gods, through Christ, 

and that His purpose is to raise me, 

take me high, 

bless me and use me. 

just a quick short list, 

to add physical details, 

to the manifestation of Gods glory in my life. 

I was promoted way up at work, 

along with a hefty raise, :)

steadily becoming an expert in my field. 

I'm in law school now, part time,

& I love it. 

my new apartment, is flourishing. 

& so are a lot of people around me. 

&&& that's just the short list. 

I'm constantly being challenged,

but when you know you can't lose, 

because the creator of the universe has already set you up to win, 

you embrace the opportunity to become better,

to grow, evolve, to give and to share. 

I am a product of Christ. 

my life is solely dedicated to Him,

& in Him, is everything good! 

current truth.

...because this couldn't wait.

in contracts class, writing & posting this. 

it doesn't stop here. 

I'm a savage, I'm a bear. 

Letting God Lead : In-Relationships

being okay with it not going your way.

first and foremost, i’m blessed. 

my life is blessed. 

& sometimes i get selfish & high-strung, 

as if i, solely, am responsible for how blessed my life is. 

& sometimes i begin to think, 

whole-heartedly, 

regarding all things, 

that i know what’s best for me & my life. 

aaahhahhahahaha. 

that’s a joke if i ever heard one.

now look, 

Jesus has turned me into an optimist. 

even when i come across challenges & tragedies, 

i know that God has & will turn it into something amazing. 

my character after experience in living this life, 

is testimony to that fact. 

…this is the basis of why i refer to my life as blessed.

back to me thinking i know how my life should be….

scenario. 

let’s say God gave me a good thing, 

& with God, through God, I cultivate that good thing, 

as God intended, 

into a great thing. great for the thing, great for me, & great for God. 

but then. 

i start feeling’ myself. like aww, shxt, i’m the shxt. 

& while that is true, 

it wasn’t on my terms. 

it wasn’t something i thought, planned, & brought to my doorstep. 

I let God lead me there, 

I prayed to God for the strength, for the creativity, the patience. 

so when exactly, did this become my plan, extracting God?

sike.

i say that to say, 

that even in relationships, 

relationships especially, 

as a girl, i can get carried away. 

start creating this perfect plan in my head, 

about how me and my partner will cultivate this amazing relationship. 

& then comes all these expectations, 

false ones, not based in real truth but fantasy, 

that i place on not only myself, but my partner. 

then it’s all downhill from there. 

i didn’t even create my own life, i let God do that, 

so what makes me think i can create a perfect one that includes another imperfect human being? 

that’s unrealistic.

so i’ve cancelled my expectations, 

not my standards. God gave us those to protect us. 

but expectations for a perfect relationship & those involved, yes. 

i’ve never even been in a perfect relationship, 

how would i even know what that looks like?

but i do trust God. 

so much so, 

that i know He will cultivate a relationship, 

that is perfect for me. 

& only He knows the inside of another’s heart, 

their motivations, their secret desires, 

He knows info, i could never. 

so He will be my filter.

because look, these nxgguhs, …and me, is crazy.

your value; uncompromised

can i say something…
the perverted dependency women have for men, 
it disgust me. 
i don’t want it. 
anymore. lol.

the admiration, 
the respect, 
the admittance of desire, 
yes. these things i will participate in…
gladly. 

but the yearn, the desperation, the incomprehensible willingness 
to sacrifice our respect….no. no. nooo.

& i’m not a man hater. 
i love men. 
their drive, competitiveness & aggressiveness, 
their natural nature to be logical & assess without emotion, their entire essence;
i find these things very valuable, 
especially in association to myself & how i am. 

& i even find myself passionate about serving one another in intimate relationships. 
providing for one another’s needs in a way that only the other can provide…
i believe this unity is not easy to create & maintain, but it is a priceless gift in our lives. 

but so often, we as women become our own worst enemy. 
over analyzing someones attraction to us, or lack there of…
i’m specifically speaking on the variable of negative emotions women feel about themselves, 
brought on by the action or lack of action from a man. 
a reaction to disappointment is natural…
but there are good reactions, in which you acknowledge, learn & grow. 
& then there are bad reactions, in which you stay stuck: out of desperation, confusion, fear.

i’ve experienced this. i’ve been very intimate with bad thoughts & bad decisions. 
i see myself in other’s bad decisions, knowing i’ve been there. 
stuck in some rotten mindset, that sets us back, instead of setting us up for something better. 
...when we just continue to take from ourselves, instead of investing in ourselves. 

the type of intimacy so many women desire, 
it cannot be forced or manipulated. 
it has to make itself available, 
we as women have to recognize real opportunity, 
one that isn't forced or disillusioned into existence... 
& then proceed to act as if we want it. 

but in the midst of that, 
we have standards ... standards there to keep us from attacking ourselves.
prevent us from manipulating ourselves, 
feeling bad about ourselves. 

our value and appeal...
by no means does it lie in the opinion of a man. 
men didn't make us, God did. 
we can't give that power to someone else, 
for that disrespects us & our creator. 
therefore, your worth & appeal, 
are never compromised hunny. :)

i was reluctant to write this. 
i didn’t want to come off perpetrating ‘expert’. 
but i am a young women, with a critical thinking mind, approaching this with a genuine heart. 
my perspective is also valuable, & the possible benefit of sharing outweighed my reluctancy. 
therefor ...

...from damaged to diamond

#heyfranhey's vlog on mental wellness here, as well as twenties unscripted, The Battle for Revival, here
inspired this post....
a lot of talk lately on mental health ...
dark moments we experience inspired my desire to share.

mental stability is something i’ve strived for nearly all of my life,
constantly. the value and worth i feel for myself goes up and down severely like a see-saw,
& is constantly shifted by the smallest thoughts.
sometimes thoughts regarding something only speculated,
something that has no basis or no real substance even.
my mind has been geared towards a negative reflection of myself for so long, so strongly,
that it is a constant battle to keep steady. 

this reality existed for me long before the social media aspect of the internet became a fundamental staple in our lives. with its introduction came a tsunami of opportunities for some thought to come into my head that completely broke down my self worth to crumbles of dirt & had me wanting to hide in a dark hole alone, forever. 

there are so many reasons i’ve developed these soft spots.
i have experienced loads of verbal, mental & emotional abuse for a period as an adolescent,
in my home, school, work … at a time when other kids are developing their value and worth,
mine was constantly being compromised.
at certain points i felt i had little to no reasons to feel any value at all.
but those little reasons, are what kept me going, kept me trying, believing it was worth it.
those reasons, reasons I feel God gave me on purpose;
a God-mother who always attended to me,
a neighbor family who always valued my presence,
hiphop!! via kurupt & mobb deep,
...all so significant in the reasons why i am where i am now…. in a place i can even write this. 

i begin to realize the negative feelings I would have towards myself were wrong.
although it felt so right to believe i would never accomplish anything,
or that i could never be loved by someone other than family,
& it took everything in me to oppose that, i would anyway.
maybe not right away. maybe it took a break down,
maybe it took solitude for a few days, but eventually … i wasn’t having it. 

through experience and relationships i realized these mental thoughts
were meant as attacks on the beliefs i had of my value.
i knew that things that I had experienced as a pre-teen/teenager made me vulnerable in
social situations or how i saw myself in relation to the rest of the world.
i knew there were dark memories i never wanted to confront,
& that they were the source of why i felt the way i did.
...but since when does my past dictate my future?
God says it doesn’t have to, therefore I knew it didn’t. 

so that brings me to the direction of my journey. the outline you can say,
the fundamentals that have aided me in this road to salvation,
because i knew i wanted to save myself.
i knew that God would have never made something that wasn’t worth saving.
& it was how God saw me & how that resonated with me, that saved me.
that i was thought into existence before the foundations of the earth,
& that my creator knows the number of hairs on my head.
God has given meaning to everything in my life,
even my tragedies have been used to mold me into a resilient human being with a huge imagination
& a compassionate heart. how could i not even be thankful for that?!
not thankful for the pain then, at that moment, but that it wasn’t for nothing.
God turned my losses into wins...

my journey is specific. i’ve never felt like i ever fit into categories,
which is a source for the reason, i tend to keep to myself.
i’m a Jesus-freak who has a deep & real passion for hiphop!
i hold some traditional standards of a womans role in society,
but also know that I am more than a wife or even a mother.
I celebrate the naturalness of a women, but I adore makeup.
I constantly desire information to feed my intellect, but I also love to feed my imagination.
I am a black woman, but also know God & His creation are bigger than color
& believe your destiny could never be buried due to your race or economic status. 

(Although i don’t deny my differences, i never celebrated them either.
i am still in this process of being comfortable with myself.)

Part of Frans video hit home when she talks about being alone.
I desired more than anything to feel adequate just by myself. Me, alone, i am worthy!
so that regardless of what happens, or what can be said, or who goes & who stays,
I am still just as worthy today, as I was yesterday.
That has always been my goal, because I realized, through this journey,
that you can have expectations for people or relationships,
but that does not constitute who they will choose to be or how they choose to act.
therefore, it would be completely illogical for me to place my value or worth in the hands of others.
their presence, their opinions, their approval …. nope, suck it. 

i am getting there. more and more.
when i feel worthy, i have the desire to execute my thoughts or ideas,
to create and take risks. & over time those risks with faith have produced great rewards.
I know now that me, myself, is enough! :)
I create my own standard for myself, and always attempt to live up to that,
regardless of anyone else’s behavior.
therefore, if my character, actions, or thoughts & beliefs were never based an ounce on you,
why would your opinion of them matter at all?! :)
… i am getting to a place where it rarely does. & if it does, not for long.
this journey i believe, is never ending.
i aim to have bad moments, weak moments,
happen as infrequently as possible...
but i know as long as i am alive on this earth,
they will occur.
but now, i am better prepared & equipped to stand steadfast,
regardless...

i talk to myself, to God ... a lot!
i talk through my feelings & perspectives constantly.
when fran mentioned not addressing our real feelings for too long,
it resonated with me.
because sometimes i get so distracted with the world,
that i forget to conversate with myself...
i need this time to work through my thoughts,
determine them and my feelings, something like an update.
as things happen, our minds and perspectives need constant updates, renewals, retouches, etc...

more and more, day by day, literally, i get the opportunity to show out.
to believe, even if that means going against all this negative energy that seemed to meet me that day,
that this too shall past, & before it, through it and after it,
i was, am, & will continue to be awesome & more than enough. :)

checking in with myself ...

so i had written this post previously,
to describe this cycle feeling i keep experiencing.
not being efficient, because i'm not feeling it ...
but feeling it even less due to the lack of efficiency taken place.
do you see how i could be the cause of my own problem,
& at some point, I have to take this initiative,
to go against the feeling of complacency,
and fear of failure, & realize there is immeasurable value in my efforts,
even if they only produce lessons and experience.

the post was to work through thoughts,
& feelings,
& meet some concrete answers & direction,
in terms of what i want,
what i can do,
& what is keeping me from it.

more than anything ...
i get a comforting feeling of appreciation & gratitude.
i realized a lot of my guilt was produced by false standards.
we get so caught up in what we haven't done,
& all the 'damage' that has been done because of it.
& the world telling us,
that really by 30,
you should be very close to some groundbreaking piece of work or invention...

the world gives me this sense of urgency,
that i should be doing all i can,
at this very moment. & if i don't,
i am deserving of nothing.
it produces unsatisfaction & selfishness.

but i love where i'm at.
the opportunity & spaces God has created for me.
these environments that open my eyes,
test my creativity & efficiency,
test my resilience & confidence,
i am so overwhelmingly grateful...
& i don't want to rush that.

by no means do I feel i've mastered all my current roles,
so why do I hate myself for not being in a place,
i'm still getting ready for?

i'm learning to treasure the process,
even more than I had before.
...because i've been in this place before,
& no doubt, i will meet it again later in life,
in the midst of some next transition.

i'm seeing more the value of small goals,
little commitments that turn into good habits.
& there are things I want to obtain,
achievements i want to accomplish,
that sometimes seem too big and farfetched,
but i am trusting in my journey,
the things that have already happened,
& all of the dreams i'm believing for. :)

the pain or the prize

i do think about the wrong things a lot.
even if i'm not necessarily thinking bad thoughts about those things,
the time dedicated to them is the real danger.
& what's not getting my attention due to this.

i usually don't like to be transparent,
while i'm in the midst of a battle,
more after i've overcome, that
i see the benefit of sharing, being a source,
to identify with.
but transparency within the battle is important.
showing others how you persevere, flaws & fall.
because we've all fallen on our face.

but my journey be kind of sticky, icky,
a little messy sometimes. lol.
i'm so far from perfect in my own self,
& sometimes i lose touch with the God in me,
sometimes strongly in a moment,
or gradually over time.
it just depends,
on which one of my demons
has the strongest hold on me,
at that time.

i'm embarrassed by that.
that sometimes i'm irrational or b*tchy,
i can be thirsty & nasty,
i can be cold and secluded,
& i can hurt a lot of people,
my self mostly,
& disappoint God.
we can grieve Him you know...

when i focus on my pain,
i lose sight of what i've been hoping for,
not all the lovely stuff that comes with it,
unfortunately i always see that,
but what I get to build to get there,
what my life sets a foundation for,
i forget how incredible that is,
how incredible God can make that,
& what that will mean for me and my team. :)
it's worth it! but, when i focus on my pain,
this world gets to wrap me up.

i've been focusing on my pain,
my mind has manipulated it a bit,
sometimes it's not so obvious,
but i've definitely taken a forty year journey,
to learn what could've taken forty days.
& i can't say i've figured it all out,
by no means, have i come to this ideal perspective,
where everything makes sense,
& i can protect myself inevitably from
hurt feelings, and fear,
but i do trust God,
in my weakness,
i will rely on Him,
to carry me,
regardless of who's watching.

sudden change of thought.

i think...maybe i think too much.
so often i obsess over situations, people, things ...
thinking that because it happened,
because it's actually associated with my life...
it has a right to hold up so much space in my mind.

like, if i'm not actually thinking about what i've done,
or hadn't done....
what would i actually be thinking about....?!

this is all very new to me,
creepishly sudden.

i came here to reflect on something that had happened,
trying to find the right thoughts to dwell on concerning it,
irritated a bit that i needed that,
& then suddenly realized,
maybe i didnt really need to devote any thought process to it.
i mean, there would be no harm in thinking about it none at all...
the only harm would come from over thinking,
leading to over analyzing,
making up sh*t that's not really there,
& then being all dramatic with it.
Looorrddd, thank you for this epiphany.

excuse my lack of poetic words, sentences and stanzas,
i'm kind of overwhelmed with relief.
i will definitely follow up on this,
in a more cohesive, complete write up.

but this is pretty raw,
pretty awesome.
this blog, and my desire to write,
led to this realization,
& immediately changed my subject focus.
you're a witness to divine greatness.
the mechanics of God worked through me.
hallelujah.

as for that previous situation,
we're just going to leave it at what it was...
rest in God's best with it. :)