sunday 10/12/25

today, i got a message. a promise. a challenge. 

the Father attempting to reach me by extending His grace once again. 

reminding me that He created me and knows what’s in my heart. He knows how to manifest it, how to wield it and use it for not only my good but for the good of the kingdom.

He’s challenging me to put action behind my values.

todays church service reminded me of one of God’s attributes that ive been standing on, that it’s never too late. we’re never too old to walk in the promises of the Father and share in His glory. 

that the Father is a restorer of time. 

i do not need to mourn my mistakes, my foolishness, my fear. 

but instead, it can be a testament to God’s power, His grace, His Mercy, His miraculous power over my life. 

what a privilege! for God to call out to me. for Christ’s intercession to reach me. for the holy trinity to continue to believe in me, for me, for the kingdom. 

how this is even a challenge is shameful. with all that ive been redeemed from. 

but it is. the world is in me deep. 

although i know better, i make excuses for my idolatry. i claim victim, choosing not to lean into the power God says He has given me. 

how dare i?

this moment has made me realize how down bad i am. 

how this moment to choose my God is easier said than done. 

and over what? i’m too embarrassed to say. 

but i know it could never compare. 

and that’s the thing. the things I put over my God could never save me. 

i cannot rely on them although sometimes i try. 

but i want both. God and the things. 

and i want the things because I know God will always be there. 

but that’s not respect. that’s not behavior of a son of God but a child. 

when you are called to put action behind your faith, what will you choose?

A Side of Christ

i was feeling low on faith. 

some tough realities were bothering me. 
hindering me from feeling good, feeling motivated, 
loved and valuable.

because this can be super harmful if not addressed, 
I Had To Get Stuck on Jesus, and quick. 

anyway, that led me to this T.D. Jakes sermon, 
which prompted a reading of Luke 17. 

& it's not that this scripture directly addressed 
my lack-luster preceding moments, 
but it brought Jesus before me, 
not only in the real way of being reminded 
His presence and goodness are 24/7/365, 
but in a new way. wow. 

a picture of His character, an 
understanding of His will & perspective 
that I had not been ready to see before. 

In ways that correspond to the woman I am today. 
a black woman, one of God's. 
& the realities that I face and the comforts I seek.
the offenses perpetuated against me & the
offense I myself perpetrate against others. 

& let me tell you, I had my suspicions, 
but Jesus really is that guy. 

_______________________________________

We are often taught the concept of forgiveness in church, 
but never really taught how to deal with violence perpetuated against us, 
whether that violence be emotional, mental, physical, sexual, etc...

& what can end up happening, is our relationship with Christ can suffer, 
and we can begin to move away from the church after suffering something traumatic, 
because it seems that Christ has no help for us, for our feelings and our present troubles. 

but that's wrong. because where you're righteously angry, so is Christ. 
& forgiveness is not just given, it is earned. 
& like you and me, Christ also rebukes and turns away those who harm unjustifiably, 

In Luke 17, Jesus tells us that those who seek to harm His family, 
would be better off killing themselves. 

& when a brother sins against us, we should rebuke them. Talk to them.
Tell them that they hurt you and how, and what should have been done instead. 
only then, and if, you're brother acknowledges their behavior and seeks retribution & forgiveness, 
then you must forgive them. 

but the forgiveness is earned, not freely given. 
there is acknowledgement of the sin that was done against you, 
and it wasn't swept over or dismissed, 
it must be addressed. 
because wrongs against you aren't okay. 
& we have the Godly agency to protect ourselves & our families, 
from those who callously commit harm against others. 

so for women who are violated over and over, 
and children who are preyed upon, 
their violators are not entitled to forgiveness, 
& the saving of their lives, is not our concern. 
there is a God who acknowledges our pain, 
and who grieves with us as we heal, 
and respects our anger. 

and while that righteous anger is there, 
and that space for unforgiveness of evil, 
we still have a duty to also forgive those who righteously seek forgiveness. 
who put in the work to repent. to change their ways and offer countenance to those they've hurt. 
Jesus says although it is hard, it is your reasonable service to do so, 
an unprofitable act, 
because it is what has been done for you and i. 

this side of Christ, 
His righteous anger, 
His talk of death for those that are evil, 
the conditions of forgiveness, 
I had not seen before, 
and I am so thankful for it. 

Take Your Own Advice

i wish i could be poetic,

but the best way for me 

to articulate the truths i’m realizing,

is to speak them how they come. 

my life is the one i’m most intimate with,

but i know enough to know,

that the feelings and fears i face

are not isolated thoughts

directed only towards me

but shared by many, with the goal to defeat.

we can work so hard

and come so far

and win so many battles

and still face fear.

because after one goal

there is another.

even if that goal is only

to maintain a peace that cannot be shaken.

here i am,

facing another goal.

a goal so big

i forget the ones i’ve already conquered.

& here i am, 

surrounded by circumstances of fire

that while although uncomfortable,

scary, and blinding,

can be used to refine me,

enhance me, make me better than before.

when we see this in others

it is easy to tell them to keep going.

it is easy to see that this trial will not last,

and all winning takes is commitment.

the action of not stopping, action to keep going.

it’s a marathon not a race we say.

but for ourselves

that truth can often seem so far away. 

we forget that we’re built to last

and begin to believe

that we’re destined to fail.

no matter how many wins you claim

this fear will always attempt to meet you,

attempt to prevent you from taking the next step.

but then i saw a person

who felt down on their luck.

their passion was real,

their heart was good,

but they felt their circumstances 

were instead, to be the death of them.

they couldn’t catch a break they said.

success wasn’t meant for them they said. 

& i believed wholeheartedly

with not one doubt in my heart

that there was a light at the end of their trial.

it was easy for me to see

that all they had to do was keep going,

keep believing.

& i knew it was worth it to do so.

& then i took those thoughts for myself.

& i looked at my life through a different lens,

an outside one.

and i could see the win so clearly

& begin to believe wholeheartedly

that the brightest light was at the end of my own tunnel. :)

a year of breakthroughs

the feelings i carry are strength and power.

joy with good expectation.

gratitude for my holy community,

provision from my Heavenly Father. 

we feel protected and happy,

with knowledge that together in Him,

we could never lack. 

i have changed my life for the better,

and leant on my faith to do it.

the light, i couldn’t see at first,

fear and resistance was all i felt.

but i remembered the pain i felt in my heart

& the prayers between me and the Father,  

& i continued on,

as we had discussed.

packing up my stuff & my heart 

knowing that leaving,

was better than staying. 

Numbering Our Days

It could happen to anyone,
and it could happen at any time.

i read a few interpretations about my chosen bible verse today,

“So teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom” Psalm 90:12

...and one i actually really enjoyed.
i felt it was spot on in identifying what i felt.

it is here at, unlocking the bible.

but then later as i was going about my day,
thinking of a combination of things,
i realized also, what God had wanted us to see from 'numbering our days'. 

because a beautiful reality about God's word, 

is that its verses are so full for interpretation. 

meanings found in different contexts, using different minds, 

seeing what someone else cannot.

so i realized that, your days are gifts,
that are not promised.
the privileges we carry of walking,
talking, seeing, thinking, feeling, breathing etc...
are privileges that could be taken away from us at any moment.

acknowledging this shouldn't increase our fear,
but rather a gratitude,
that fills our hearts,
and fuels her hope.

numbering your days,
centers around being grateful.
being grateful for what you have,
the lessons you've learned,
and living in hope,
for what is to come.

but i think in living,
we always look forward to the good,
and wish and hope for the good,
without preparing and acknowledging the bad.
understanding that the bad is inevitable,
and looking to the bad, knowing that it will produce good.

with that wisdom reference in our mental frame,
can anything really bring us down?
can hopelessness really rob us of our days?
it cannot.

why would i care

why do i care so much about pleasing you,

when you will just do what you want to. 

even at the expense of us,

with a disregard for me.

i don’t deserve effort?

i don’t deserve discipline?

i don’t deserve respect? 

or maybe sometimes,

but only you get to decide. 

how can you be the head

when you possess no brain.

...because you must be stupid.

to taint life with death,

to bring rain into our sunshine,

to think you could still have,

what you gave away,

when you gave into yourself,

instead of giving into us.

why would i care at all about pleasing you