oh. hello patience. :)

these delay's & hiatus' aren't any good.
we get so accustomed to being away,
we forget how to be here.

i feel that way about so many things right now.
God, writing, munchkin, besties. lol.
but being bitter isn't a good feeling,
and neither is guilty.
how then, do you approach it?
how do you come back like you never left?!

i'm moving.
sometimes backwards,
left, right,
but mostly forward.
& to me, what more can i ask.

i wish i was better.
i wish i had all the right answers.
i wish i knew where a decision would lead me, before i make it.
but i'm not, and i don't.
i'm just here, a little better everyday.
& that makes my heart happy.

more than anything,
i'm learning how to get along with 'patience'.
so much so, that we're becoming good friends.
because my life is completely humbling. lol.
all the time.  o_0
& i've realized it's not so much about what i can do for myself.
but what i will believe, and let God do through me.

so i'm here.
& all of this amazing substance in my heart,
leads me to believe,
that God had and has amazing plans for me.
so that regardless of where i'm at,
& what my situation or circumstances are like,
i'll never be without, i'll never be short,
because God is all i ever really had and all i will ever have.

in Jesus name, amen. :)

God vs. you

i want so bad to write something.
i don't know what i want to convey.
i have no idea what this even is.

desire.
a lot of that running around lately.
misplaced with no discipline.
can cause huge tragedy.

i want to give myself some credit.
but i deserve none.
dying to self,
might be the hardest obstacle to ever exist.
but it is the most necessary.
completely essential to health, wholeness & happiness.

not only were we raised to never go against the grain,
we were born for it.
it is our first nature, our instinct.

i think about every time i fail,
which is nearly a thousand times a day,
& get overwhelmed by how insufficient i am alone.
& how no one deserves my inconsistency.

& honestly while i can imagine the win, taste it even,
i have no idea the road in which i will have to travel to get there.

i want to take every day like a gift,
& no matter how bad i feel, i want to expect the best.
i want to be capable of giving until there is nothing left.
i want, therefore i do.

i think the failures are inevitable.
& once we come to a place where we can accept that, expect it even,
but know, that it doesn't matter,
that's when we become indestructible.
God doesn't need our help, He needs our trust.
He doesn't need perfection, He just needs you to be willing.

Want to, Try to, then Fail even,
it won't matter,
because God will turn your failures into wins.

you die to self when you stop trying & start trusting.

what else

you test me in a way that makes me uncomfortable.
you defy all relatable logic.
& enough of us is brand new in my experience,

that i cant do this without help.
you completely require guidance.
but even then.
it. is. not. easy.

i worry about myself.
my own survival.
my own integrity.
my own reputation.
& i constantly think about what i'm putting on the line,
for a preference, turned dream, turned hope,
working towards necessity.

it. is. unreal.
but then again, what is.
i have this idea,
of what i think this should be like.
from what i think i see.
& then what i interpret.
but then again, how unreal is that.

i assess what gives me doubt.
what pulls me away,
& brings the thug out.
it's the pride.
my pride.
telling me of what i deserve,
when i deserve it,
& how.

but then i think on God.
my Father in heaven.
the creator of me. of you. of everything.
& how completely selfless He requires us to be.
& how our pride can be our death.
& how you are my completely, totally, utterly my preference.
& how genuine and sincere i'm being.
with myself when i say that.

so many times i dont know what else to do,
but pray.
ive completely give in
to what's alive within me,
surrounded by a culture,
that's okay with being less.
and then there's you.
& i want you to be my other person.
& that want,
makes me so vulnerable.

i'm not completely sure why you're the one.
but i don't even hesitate saying it.
where does this faith come from? why?
this can be so difficult.
completely frustrating.
even overpowering.
i don't want to deal alone anymore.

thug passion. lol.

it's so easy to stay on the fence. 

give a little, take a little. 

instead of giving everything. 

holding happiness in what seems like defeat. 

looking past the now into an expected future, 

when the now looks so dang wack. 

the grace ive encountered makes it easy to give you up.

for now.

the God i know deserves it. desires it.

but this has also become a test of character. 

to swallow the desire to mourn, to be bitter, frustrated and fear-ful.

to not believe what God has said to me, 

and to be defeated. 

instead, finding the joy perfected by the pain. 

and consistently, constantly acting, talking, thinking, believing in love. 

expecting better than what has already come to pass. 

keeping my eyes on the prize more or less, 

while preparing for the victory. 

praying for you always, 

keeping you close at heart. 

but still far enough.

that my excellence, for now, 

excludes you. 

it's not over. 

& i will remain as if,

it is forever more. 

peices of heaven.

Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams. Ephesians 2:20-21

the fulfillment of God's will,
requires God's presence all the time. 

when you step outside the presence of God,
to give-in to our selfish desires in flesh,
you jepordize everything God has for you.
You elongate the time you have to wait,
& you deny yourself a chance to strengthen your faith.

done with this.
shopping. functionin, smoking, drinking.

Jesus is my supreme source.
the King in my life.
He always has the last word in every thing that happens to me in my life.
regardless of the circumstance.
BUT ONLY, if I let Him.
Let His will be done.

calling those things that be not, as though they were.
expecting them to happen. relying on them.
not denying that they have not happen yet,
but it has already manifested in the future,
you simply have to wait on your arrival to that place. :)