a trip to hell

 a few things.

knowing that God created you on purpose is a powerful revelation.  

i’ve been a little irresponsible. i’ve encountered many beautiful and healing truths that i’ve forgotten to write down. an injustice really.

but in an effort of amends, i come here with the intent of laying my current truth out with words.

that i’ve been away to a dark place. alone slowly sinking further into an abyss. fear filled me, fogging my vision like a haze of hate. i was present in body only. my mind had been lost and my soul was burning. 

the lies felt like the only truth i could trust. 

in those moments you need someone who won’t give up on you. even though the terror has you pushing them away. but God needs to remind you, a way to get you to remember, just for a second, an undeniable truth that is written on your heart. 

for me, that was that i was created on purpose. with intention. out of love. meant for joy. no matter what is happening now. all the mistakes i’ve made, the binds i’m currently in, my creation cannot be disputed and neither can the Creator. the Creator made me, & He is righteous, perfect and loves me perfectly. 

at once i realized the lie beneath my eyes. because no way could i be abandoned, left for dead, useless and invaluable. God called me a masterpiece, created me in His holy image. lol. my being is the embodiment of love, righteousness, glory. i’m the bees knees, 1 of 1, created on purpose, with intention, ain’t nun like me. :)

and God used this imperfect being and made him perfect for me. and sometimes that bothers me. because sometimes it doesn’t look how i think it should look. and then the question becomes what is the source of my vision. is it the world or is it Christ. and then layers of false truths, misconceptions and assumptions come unraveling.

i don’t know if the public will understand this one. i may be a little too in my head, driven by my heart. but it’s honesty and it’s necessary. 

you were created in the image of God and no matter how far we go off course or distance ourselves from that truth we can always decide we want it to be true again and God will honor us, honor His truth, His original love for you when He made us, when Christ died for us. the greatest fucking sacrifice! for you. for us. 

 _________ some new affirmations in rotation____________

God is my father. 

Christ is the Son of God and my brother.

Christ saved me from destruction and from the evil of and in this world.

God has created me in His image, i am an image bearer of God my father, of Heaven, holiness, righteousness, power, peace, joy, wisdom, beauty and all good things.

i have been given power over all the powers and principalities of this world through Christ the Son, the Holy Spirit within me and God my Father. 

the Father will never forsake me, Christ is never far from me and the Holy Spirit is always in me guiding me.

i rebuke all devils, demons and any evil thing, lie & perversion from me, my family, our communities, our dwellings & possessions and anything that concerns us, & i send them to where Jesus sends them and i bind them & command them to stay there. 

in Jesus name, amen 🙏🏾 

I Meant to Post This in January.

i'm so happy i get to be here, 

...knowing that my North Star has never lost sight of me. 

even in times of uncertainty and insecurity,

i was in the right space, at the right time.

these past 6+ months i've done work, unknowingly.

last feb, i experienced one of the most debilitating depressive episodes.

i knew i needed help and that i had to do something.

i just wanted to survive.

little did i know i was setting myself up to thrive.

i faced uncomfortable truths and it was a test of the faith i used to fight and heal.

and those battles were not only faced and won,

but room was made and growth flourished.

kindness, forgiveness, honesty and confidence,

all came flooding my heart and soul.

and the fruit of my labor, while being unexpected is red carpet welcomed.

i never realized so many other positive things would take shape in my life.

i just wanted to stop beating myself up to the point of hatred,

but i ended up gaining multiple layers of love and compassion for myself, 

the person i was and the person i'm becoming.

A Side of Christ

i was feeling low on faith. 

some tough realities were bothering me. 
hindering me from feeling good, feeling motivated, 
loved and valuable.

because this can be super harmful if not addressed, 
I Had To Get Stuck on Jesus, and quick. 

anyway, that led me to this T.D. Jakes sermon, 
which prompted a reading of Luke 17. 

& it's not that this scripture directly addressed 
my lack-luster preceding moments, 
but it brought Jesus before me, 
not only in the real way of being reminded 
His presence and goodness are 24/7/365, 
but in a new way. wow. 

a picture of His character, an 
understanding of His will & perspective 
that I had not been ready to see before. 

In ways that correspond to the woman I am today. 
a black woman, one of God's. 
& the realities that I face and the comforts I seek.
the offenses perpetuated against me & the
offense I myself perpetrate against others. 

& let me tell you, I had my suspicions, 
but Jesus really is that guy. 

_______________________________________

We are often taught the concept of forgiveness in church, 
but never really taught how to deal with violence perpetuated against us, 
whether that violence be emotional, mental, physical, sexual, etc...

& what can end up happening, is our relationship with Christ can suffer, 
and we can begin to move away from the church after suffering something traumatic, 
because it seems that Christ has no help for us, for our feelings and our present troubles. 

but that's wrong. because where you're righteously angry, so is Christ. 
& forgiveness is not just given, it is earned. 
& like you and me, Christ also rebukes and turns away those who harm unjustifiably, 

In Luke 17, Jesus tells us that those who seek to harm His family, 
would be better off killing themselves. 

& when a brother sins against us, we should rebuke them. Talk to them.
Tell them that they hurt you and how, and what should have been done instead. 
only then, and if, you're brother acknowledges their behavior and seeks retribution & forgiveness, 
then you must forgive them. 

but the forgiveness is earned, not freely given. 
there is acknowledgement of the sin that was done against you, 
and it wasn't swept over or dismissed, 
it must be addressed. 
because wrongs against you aren't okay. 
& we have the Godly agency to protect ourselves & our families, 
from those who callously commit harm against others. 

so for women who are violated over and over, 
and children who are preyed upon, 
their violators are not entitled to forgiveness, 
& the saving of their lives, is not our concern. 
there is a God who acknowledges our pain, 
and who grieves with us as we heal, 
and respects our anger. 

and while that righteous anger is there, 
and that space for unforgiveness of evil, 
we still have a duty to also forgive those who righteously seek forgiveness. 
who put in the work to repent. to change their ways and offer countenance to those they've hurt. 
Jesus says although it is hard, it is your reasonable service to do so, 
an unprofitable act, 
because it is what has been done for you and i. 

this side of Christ, 
His righteous anger, 
His talk of death for those that are evil, 
the conditions of forgiveness, 
I had not seen before, 
and I am so thankful for it. 

the accountability factor

i'm starting this at work because it's super important to me that it gets done and after two days, we still have not started. 

this is a repeating pattern in my life. create mini goals and then forget about them. since they aren't huge milestone goals like, get a job, graduate college, they get passed over as too much time goes by. 

but i'm repenting. changing my mind about how i approach these goals. because honestly, they are smaller steps to bigger pictures. and as i get older, i realize how significant and necessary these smaller goals are. and honestly i'm tired of the lack of consistency and commitment. 

damn near every day God puts amazing ideas into my head. and like an inconsistent shepherd, i do not always put in the effort to address them. i'm hopeful about creating lasting change and this post is an element of that hope. 

i would also like to say that i am not ashamed of my shortcomings because i know that my family and I's success and wellbeing is not dependent on perfection. i also love who i am, who i was and who i am becoming. this is not an effort to change out of disdain, but out of a motivation and responsibility to level up. 

this is my accountability factor, my initiation factor, my affirmation factor. this is also an attempt at transparency because honesty is beautiful and so am i.

a conversation : Easter significance

all the holidays that center Jesus are important to me. 
Easter is no exception. I love the association with newness, growth,
once was dead is now alive. spring. :)

but even beyond that. into the moments that precede that Resurrection Sunday.
Jesus’s moments. with the Father, His companions, His enemies. 

this year I gave up something for lent.
something i really did not want to give up too.
and I knew i would need the Spirit of the Lord to follow through. 

i also read some bible plans that highlighted why i chose to even participate in lent.
to acknowledge the 40 days and 40 nights Christ spent in the wilderness being tested,
prior to fulfilling His mission on the cross.
and to force myself into a commitment that although would be good for me, made me seriously uncomfortable.
a commitment that i made to and with the Father as worship and praise because He strengthens me for all good work, and all things work together for the good of those that love Him. 

i am filled with gratitude and i needed to share.
i needed to share with someone who is so important to me something that is so important to me.
i had to share this praise, worship, acknowledgment, understanding, and revelation with my person.
and so today we talked about the significance of Easter.
well, mostly i talked, but it is God’s Spirit that leads me.
and in those moments we got to dwell on Jesus and remember
and remind ourselves of God’s intention and Jesus’s journey.

i’m not saying this is a huge deal or some cause for celebration,
but it is special to me.

i love God, i love learning about my relationship with Him,
His work in creating me, His work in saving me.
and to get to share that with the most significant person in my life is everything. 

to see my relationship constantly growing,
constantly leaning on God’s faithfulness is all I could ever want for my family.
It is what Christ died to give me and we are forever eternally grateful and faithful.