love's risk

i want to step back, 

look at me, my actions, my thoughts, 

all objectively. 

i think i'm acting inappropriately, 

i think i'm assuming and jumping to conclusions. 

two reasons. 

one due to my own guilt. 

second, because the devil doesn't want me to have this. 

he's making it easy for me, 

to settle in selfishness and near sightedness, 

making it hard to act from appreciation, 

instead acting from suspicion and coldness. 

sometimes i lose my frame of reference, for the worst. 

and i consider and evaluate circumstances that aren't real, 

or haven't happened. 

giving time analyzing thoughts that have should have no real basis. 

it's disturbing. wasting life, while simultaneously ruining it. 

you can fall deeper into despairing thoughts, 

give in to them all, 

the ones about our love, 

ourselves, 

our worth. 

i don't want that cancer to live between us. 

i don't want to self-destruct, 

and kill off all the relationships around me. 

i don't want to be scared to love the hardest. 

i don't want to fear having to forgive.

i want to value you as a whole, 

not pick you apart. 

easier said than done. 

but here's the risk, 

because i'm going to try God here, 

all the time. 

i'm going to be a beacon of love, 

i'm going to let God use me, 

& i'm going to trust Him, not you, 

to always keep me safe, 

to always keep us safe. 

kanye west and me. the life of pablo.

i'm going to aim to keep this simple,
because i have a tendency, to over explain in detail.

the context of my life currently is that,
i feel like i'm growing into an adult
at a rapid rate. & i'm just trying to keep up.
& occasionally, get ahead.

the situations that arise, that smack me in the face,
are too many, and a lot of times,
require this shift in my perspective,
forcing me to grow, sometimes,
against my will.

kanye's drop is a work of art.
come on, even if you don't like it,
the arrangement, the choices,
seems like a glorious mix of kanye,
as life has been to him over the past years.
& it is lovely.

as a writer, a curator, a fan,
i relate to the words kanye says regarding those perspectives.
even as a believer in Christ, i relate. which is so powerful.
as a lover of detail, i love the choices he makes, regarding the creation of a song.
the human in me, loves his imperfection.
and his willingness & discipline to fight through it,
in the open, & still create majestic shxt.

in this album i find that he's bold,
raw and humorous,
a testament to the time we're in,
& reflective of how a lot of people are thinking and feeling.
kanye really is for the people.
he's a people pleaser.
it's so natural to him.
like, it's what he's meant for.

to circle back to the context of my life.
this kanye drop, at this time,
was blessed by God, lol.
& i say that because my purpose here
is to express the adoration and respect i have
for this piece of music. & how it will literally
define this period of my life, years from now.
you know when you remember history,
by remembering what song was out at the time.

this drop, along with some hard truths, people who care, are forcing me to hear.
with some wins i've accumulated,
& some progress, insight & clarity that i've been given,
shows me, i'm going in the right direction,
even if i'm the reason why, sometimes, my progress slows down.

it's amazing how music can play as a sign in your life.
how people who do music are connected to the same source we are,
so sometimes their thoughts, their preferences, their understanding,
is also like yours.

to have these moments with kanye,
this obviously isn't the first one,
it makes me so happy, lol.
like proof God loves me.
that i get to have kanye as inspiration.
right now, it's pretty fxxkin awesome.

so, this happened.

things happen that question, 

how we truly feel about a person.

someone who receives our devotion

& adoration, suddenly makes,

a truly human mistake, to you.

what do you do?!

if it were a stranger, it'd be easy. 

'hater. idgaf'

but this is your kin,

someone you've built your soul

up with, connected to your

eternal spirit. this is the 

farthest thing from a stranger,

this is a known, acknowledged,

piece of you. lol. what do you do.

WWJD.

forgiveness can be the most

bizarre thing. 

but I've known God in me,

for a long time now. 

& with my fragility, 

have solely depended on Him,

for my entire survival.

so when confronted with,

judgement & disregard,

partly out of ignorance,

partly out of arrogance,

my initial reaction was

shock, disappointment,

a little lostness, a bit broken.

out of all the things to expect,

a lack of doubt in my ability,

to live & navigate through my life,

from you?!

all those moments of 

transparency,

so that you can attempt 

to use them against me?!

talk about hating vulnerability.

but then Jesus reminds me,

how much we all are,

subject to human error.

stuck in our own thoughts,

thinking we're reading in between 

lines, but we're really just filling

in gaps, because we want to

think, we know it all.

when really,

you don't know shxt.

your own life could attest 

to that. no shade. 

& Jesus showed me, why

this may have been 

necessary. not only to show me

pieces of myself, where I've violated, 

as you have.

but for me to practice the 

beauty of forgiveness,

on an entirely new level.

therefor, i thank you for

these words, that you've

given me the opportunity 

to write. i actually thank you

for a lot more than that. you 

know. this only strengthens.

me, you, 🙈🙊🙉, us. 

even when it's dark.

i wrote the post that is to follow, in september,

but things can move so fast in life, 

& although one day you're feeling the victory, 

other days, not so much.

mad shxt got in the way between me writing this, 

& eventually posting it. 

even now, I'm not so sure. 

I mean, what it says is true, 

but am i currently feeling ideal about life...

lol, no. 

but that strengthens my desire to post this, even now.

because it be when I'm in the trenches, 

that I'm feeling the boldest. 

______________________________________

It's amazing what God can do. 

my last post, 

was a piece of transparency.

I chose to lay out the insides of me, 

in an effort to understand my own frustration, 

as well as be a resource for anyone,

who could remotely relate. 

I don't usually share my pain, 

as it happens in the now. 

too many distractions, 

too much opportunity being given, 

for something to be used against me.

usually, I'm too vulnerable in the midst of darkness. 

too close to fear to let anyone in. 

but i think I had just had enough. 

& I refused to be scared after all that I had accomplished.

even if the world was so set on breaking me, 

I could no longer be timid. 

I realized my value, my worth, my ability...

nobody could take that away from me. 

but the place I'm in now, 

compared to where I was, 

just a few months ago...

only God could do. 

I knew that God turned my losses into wins, 

I knew that everything that was taken from me, 

had to be returned. in excess. 

I knew that I was Gods, through Christ, 

and that His purpose is to raise me, 

take me high, 

bless me and use me. 

just a quick short list, 

to add physical details, 

to the manifestation of Gods glory in my life. 

I was promoted way up at work, 

along with a hefty raise, :)

steadily becoming an expert in my field. 

I'm in law school now, part time,

& I love it. 

my new apartment, is flourishing. 

& so are a lot of people around me. 

&&& that's just the short list. 

I'm constantly being challenged,

but when you know you can't lose, 

because the creator of the universe has already set you up to win, 

you embrace the opportunity to become better,

to grow, evolve, to give and to share. 

I am a product of Christ. 

my life is solely dedicated to Him,

& in Him, is everything good! 

current truth.

...because this couldn't wait.

in contracts class, writing & posting this. 

it doesn't stop here. 

I'm a savage, I'm a bear.