the pain or the prize

i do think about the wrong things a lot.
even if i'm not necessarily thinking bad thoughts about those things,
the time dedicated to them is the real danger.
& what's not getting my attention due to this.

i usually don't like to be transparent,
while i'm in the midst of a battle,
more after i've overcome, that
i see the benefit of sharing, being a source,
to identify with.
but transparency within the battle is important.
showing others how you persevere, flaws & fall.
because we've all fallen on our face.

but my journey be kind of sticky, icky,
a little messy sometimes. lol.
i'm so far from perfect in my own self,
& sometimes i lose touch with the God in me,
sometimes strongly in a moment,
or gradually over time.
it just depends,
on which one of my demons
has the strongest hold on me,
at that time.

i'm embarrassed by that.
that sometimes i'm irrational or b*tchy,
i can be thirsty & nasty,
i can be cold and secluded,
& i can hurt a lot of people,
my self mostly,
& disappoint God.
we can grieve Him you know...

when i focus on my pain,
i lose sight of what i've been hoping for,
not all the lovely stuff that comes with it,
unfortunately i always see that,
but what I get to build to get there,
what my life sets a foundation for,
i forget how incredible that is,
how incredible God can make that,
& what that will mean for me and my team. :)
it's worth it! but, when i focus on my pain,
this world gets to wrap me up.

i've been focusing on my pain,
my mind has manipulated it a bit,
sometimes it's not so obvious,
but i've definitely taken a forty year journey,
to learn what could've taken forty days.
& i can't say i've figured it all out,
by no means, have i come to this ideal perspective,
where everything makes sense,
& i can protect myself inevitably from
hurt feelings, and fear,
but i do trust God,
in my weakness,
i will rely on Him,
to carry me,
regardless of who's watching.

sudden change of thought.

i think...maybe i think too much.
so often i obsess over situations, people, things ...
thinking that because it happened,
because it's actually associated with my life...
it has a right to hold up so much space in my mind.

like, if i'm not actually thinking about what i've done,
or hadn't done....
what would i actually be thinking about....?!

this is all very new to me,
creepishly sudden.

i came here to reflect on something that had happened,
trying to find the right thoughts to dwell on concerning it,
irritated a bit that i needed that,
& then suddenly realized,
maybe i didnt really need to devote any thought process to it.
i mean, there would be no harm in thinking about it none at all...
the only harm would come from over thinking,
leading to over analyzing,
making up sh*t that's not really there,
& then being all dramatic with it.
Looorrddd, thank you for this epiphany.

excuse my lack of poetic words, sentences and stanzas,
i'm kind of overwhelmed with relief.
i will definitely follow up on this,
in a more cohesive, complete write up.

but this is pretty raw,
pretty awesome.
this blog, and my desire to write,
led to this realization,
& immediately changed my subject focus.
you're a witness to divine greatness.
the mechanics of God worked through me.
hallelujah.

as for that previous situation,
we're just going to leave it at what it was...
rest in God's best with it. :)

friend vs. foe

because look,
isn't it one thing to understand & accept severe human flaws from individuals,
and another to invite them into your personal life.

why associate with people you can't trust.
you can't trust them to not speak about you maliciously,
in their times of weakness.
you can't trust them to be loyal, when faced with snakes.
you can't trust them to have your best interest at heart,
when they're unhappy with their own circumstances.
you can't even trust them to be honest about their shortcomings as a friend,
because that would be admitting fault, & God forbid they admit to vulnerabilities.
too much pride, but pride of what?
the lack of a real individual you managed to become.

i hate the idea that i'm just being bitter,
which is why i'll always attempt to assess myself.
but i can't find a neutral perspective or place for people that consistently can't be trusted.
what value are you to me?

i even find disgust in myself,
which fuels my desire for change.

i want my friends to feel as if they can rely on me.
if they feel concern by a comment or action,
that they feel comfortable enough to tell me,
before assuming, & then acting on their assumption.
i want them to believe they can confide in me,
& worry not that i would use their secrets to my own advantage,
for something as small as 'making conversation'
when really, it's creating gossip.
i would like for them to think that if i knew information concerning them,
their well-being, their relationships, etc ...
that i would tell them.
i want them to know they are a priority,
and that i would sacrifice for them.
that i value their presence,
& all the joy it adds to my life.

i mean, am i trippin?
is that too much to ask?
are my expectations too high?
because yes, i've been told that before. ;) lol. smh.

and then honestly, even if they are....
I DON'T CARE !!
i rather have one real friend,
then hella mis-guided, cowardly, integrity-lacking, delusional people around me,
who serve no purpose.
i don't need people strictly for 'social-settings'
people there only to have fun with...
i have fun by myself.
& i'll sacrifice the occasional 'turn-up'
until i'm able to surround myself with more
responsible human beings.

people who take responsibility for their life,
themselves, their words, and their actions.
people who stand by their character and integrity.
or at least make an attempt to.

new keys. new doors.

i'm kind of rushing.
it's just that i want to finally make progress on this.
before i forget.
especially because, even if it doesn't always feel like it,
it's a monumental time.
but because this is somewhat so significant to me,
i don't want to rush.
i feel like i need time to gather my thoughts,
& create a focus,
or i could just be stalling.

i'm moving!
i've been praying, sowing, believing.
for a break. Heaven's favor,
to rain down & reign over my situation.
& it has.
my circumstances are ideal.
not the end to all means,
the journey by no means stops here.
but it is a new chapter.
& i should be happy yes.

but, i can't say i'm anymore happier than i was previously.
i attempt always to make it a point,
to always be happy, regardless.
this though, does bring me pleasure.
reassurance, that God is actively working.
He is for me, and instead of working against Him,
We are working together. Or more like,
me actively always believing that He has already gone before me,
& made my paths straight and desirable.

but, the devil is always at work.
& the more given, the more expected.
& with that, to be totally honest,
although going back is not an option,
i move forward with a bit of hesitation.
because i am fully aware of the bullshxt life can bring.

this truth though, also brings excitement.
because these circumstances simply allow,
God to show out more than He ever has in my life,
for where there is evil, there Grace abounds much more.
this isn't just some religious folktale for me,
some deep quote meant to produce short-lived hope,
just to be forgotten about later....
it is my permanent circumstance.
it is what i count on. completely.

i've had these moments before.
these completely gut-wrenching situations,
that produce anxiousness ...
but everytime, i've stepped out on faith,
what has been produced, was far greater than the risks itself.
so why would i run and hide from this,
can i finally look these moments in the eye, and smile.
running that shxt like a thug. :) relentless. :)
my faith is always bigger than my fear.
the story my life continues to produce.
in Jesus name, amen. :)

inadequacy.

so yesterday,
i had this mini mental breakdown.
& while its power is diminishing,
little remnants are still present.

i adore my job,
i adore even more,
being able to do my job well.
when my expectations aren't met,
it's no one else's fault but my own.
because if i was as good as i should be,
then i would always be up.
& although logically, i can assess, that that's not true,
in my mind when it happens,
even now,
it doesn't matter.

so naturally,
as one thing begins to lead to another,
i start to feel incredibly inadequate,
in all things.
especially when it involves being loved by another person,
specifically relationships.

when the person i adore,
is a person i admire,
because of his drive,
his accomplishments,
someone i see as capable,
of possessing everything he desires,
where possibly could my inadequacy fit into that?!
it doesn't.
how could someone like that,
want someone as inadequate as me?!

that. is the icing on the cake.
after that, i completely separate myself,
because my stability is shot,
and my worth has completely diminished…at least in my mind.

buut, wait for it, that silver lining.

(…now this instance is a bit specific,
more specific than usual for this blog,
but things like this happen to me constantly.
God using the universe to remind me,
of who i am, and how He works,
& that there is no higher power than Him.)

i've been following this women #KateNorthrup for a few weeks now, and she is a specialist in money management.
today, i decided to watch her FinancialFreedomFriday video on Net Worth & Friends.
focuses on the damage of comparing your lives to others,
& instead, how you can use someone else's success, as a positive for your own life. smfh.
perfect timing.
it's surreal, how these things fall into my lap. but i am forever grateful,
for these moments, that reassure my hope is not in vain,
& that my self worth is not equivalent to my net worth.
even though high net worth is in my financial future !! :)