silence the noise.

life is a funny thing. 
so many opinions masquerading as truths, 
so many people with a platform for no other reason but being charismatic.
i would even argue that lies are so often promoted as part of a larger strategy.
if some are willing to push an agenda based on false narrative, 
whether consciously or unconsciously, they can benefit from being propped up and circulated. 

but just because a narrative is loud and repeated often, 
doesn't mean it's true. 
and that's the crazy part, 
the battle. 
because hearing is powerful. it's part of the design of you and i and this world as we know it. 
it's infectious. 
it's manipulative, in what can be either good or bad. 
it begins to shift your thinking which in turn can shift your mind, your brain, your chemistry. 

and that's the battle. 
because we have to fight and fight hard, 
to silence noise and false narratives. 
we have to look below the surface and dissect, 
what and who does this narrative serve. 

and if you have no foundation for what matters in life, 
this is not for you. 
you are destined to be thrown to and fro, from one idea to the next, 
never giving yourself the opportunity to be rooted in truth. 
never actually knowing who you are. 

as for me, i'm on heaven's side. 
the creators of the entire universe. 
Their mission is my mission. 
Their priorities are my priorities. 
obviously within scale. lol. 
but Their values are my values. 
Their truth is my truth. 

and whether you believe it or not. 
Their truth is the only truth. sorry not sorry. 
& i say that with an open mind and an open heart, 
knowing that their truths have been manipulated, 
extorted and misinterpreted for the sake of someone else's agenda, time and time again. 
but that does not negate the truth. that there is only one and it belongs to Them,
the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. 

i feel so called because like what?!
let me be a representative because baby, a lot of y'all got it backwards. 
first, if you're not leading with love, please sit down. 
let me elaborate. 

let's stop equating our path as the right one. 
know God and know that He is not limited in how He can move through another's life. 
another's life that may not look like yours. 
whose choices you may not understand. 
knock knock. God's way is the only right way, but that looks different for different people, 
with different purposes and different roles. 

and when you create discourse about how others should approach or live the life God created them to live, you are working against the trinity. 

so many of us, myself included try so hard to justify our wants. 
luxury everything, five star meals, around the world trips, over consumption, etc. etc. 
and while there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting nice things, 
we have to know where to place those things. 
we have to know where to place career ambition, 
we have to know where to place chasing beauty and attractiveness. 
we have to know where to place fitness and body goals. 
we have to know where to place sexiness. 
we have to know where to place wealth. 
we have to know where to place the party.

none of those things are God's priority, especially if they are not being used to further the kingdom. 
babyyy, you were bought with the heftiest price. 
your life is not your own. 
period. 
you are a steward of this life you've been given. 
you are precious and on purpose. you are one of one.
and your impact for the kingdom is invaluable. 
you, just yourself, are invaluable. 
but not because of what you've accomplished or what you've obtained, 
but simply as a creation of the most high creators. 

so let's stop platforming people just because they have what you think they want. 
is it Godly? is it in line with the purpose with which you were created?
being selfish has a place but it's limited and we've taken it too far. 
so how am i inspiring others? how am i uplifting those who see me?
how am i doing God's bidding?
it's not enough to love God in private but it should be reflected in our lifestyle and in our choices. 

God prevailed me 🌈

i have been transformed. 

when i look back at 2025 i'm so grateful. 
i fall on my knees to thank God for bringing me through. 
i have a heart full of gratitude,
but if you saw my 2025, you would wonder why. lol. 

from beginning to end, chaos. 
things that could go wrong, did. 
breaks that could have helped, didn't come. lol. 
but all in all, the Lord sustained me. 

and let me tell you. 
He didn't just sustain me, 
He held me close. 
He fueled my peace and joy, so that regardless of my circumstances, 
i knew the Trinity was with me and within me. 

i knew that my circumstances would not kill me, 
although at times they felt like they would. 
i was able to enjoy my life, even though it seemed liked attacks were endless. 
financial attacks, physical attacks, emotional and mental attacks. fear tried to overcome me. distress tried to overcome me. life wanted me to give in and give up. 

but God prevailed me. 
i remained content in every season. 
i embraced the lesson, eventually, and came out better than when i went in. 

i'm believing for continued sustainment in 2026. 
i'm believing for the manifestation for the desires in my heart. 
i'm believing for the wisdom to receive God's blessings in His glory. 
i'm believing for the words to express my gratitude, 
to yell my testimony to the world. 
to bring others back into the family of Christ where they belong. 
i'm believing for restoration. to be used as a restorer for the Kingdom. 

i'm believing that my family and our lives
are living testimonies of God's grace, His mercy and His love. 

God ended this year by opening new doors for me. 
I believe that will continue in 2026. 
i'm so sure of it. 

as always, to God be all the glory, all the power, all the honor and all the praise. 

sunday 10/12/25

today, i got a message. a promise. a challenge. 

the Father attempting to reach me by extending His grace once again. 

reminding me that He created me and knows what’s in my heart. He knows how to manifest it, how to wield it and use it for not only my good but for the good of the kingdom.

He’s challenging me to put action behind my values.

todays church service reminded me of one of God’s attributes that ive been standing on, that it’s never too late. we’re never too old to walk in the promises of the Father and share in His glory. 

that the Father is a restorer of time. 

i do not need to mourn my mistakes, my foolishness, my fear. 

but instead, it can be a testament to God’s power, His grace, His Mercy, His miraculous power over my life. 

what a privilege! for God to call out to me. for Christ’s intercession to reach me. for the holy trinity to continue to believe in me, for me, for the kingdom. 

how this is even a challenge is shameful. with all that ive been redeemed from. 

but it is. the world is in me deep. 

although i know better, i make excuses for my idolatry. i claim victim, choosing not to lean into the power God says He has given me. 

how dare i?

this moment has made me realize how down bad i am. 

how this moment to choose my God is easier said than done. 

and over what? i’m too embarrassed to say. 

but i know it could never compare. 

and that’s the thing. the things I put over my God could never save me. 

i cannot rely on them although sometimes i try. 

but i want both. God and the things. 

and i want the things because I know God will always be there. 

but that’s not respect. that’s not behavior of a son of God but a child. 

when you are called to put action behind your faith, what will you choose?

forgiving your enemies

i’m working hard on forgiveness of my enemies. getting to the root of why it’s a problem. battling with the feeling that people think they can bully me, belittle me, disregard my autonomy. 

and it’s because i care too much of what they think. i need to understand that i can’t control the thoughts that others have, only mine. so if people think their getting one over on me, let them. if people think they have power of me, let them. if people think they are messing with my mind and emotions, let them. lol. they can think whatever they want. 

but what i’m thinking on, i know is fact. i know that i’m covered by the blood. i know that the Father will never forsake me. i know the promises that are mine. i know Christ has redeemed me and all that is His is mine. i know the impact of the enemy is temporary. i also know someone so small minded to let their will be controlled by evil could never stop all that God has for me. 

i also know that my battle isn’t with people who choose to be small and weak, but with the powers and principalities i can’t see. i know that true freedom comes from surrender to Christ in all things, including having love for your enemies. and i know my biggest flex is the redemption Christ has granted me & how that continues to be visible in my life. that i don’t look like what i’ve been through, and the sauce that i have cannot be taken. 

no lie, it’s hard living under attack from the enemy, but with Christ it’s much easier. so i forgive those who give in to less than. those who attack me because their controlled by fear, envy, and cowardice. in the moment, under attack, i forgive them, pray for them, wish them the best. because any enemy of mine is an enemy of God’s.

reminder to not be offended.

currently, i'm thinking about so many things so deeply. 

the new daredevil is on and i'm itching to spill about it on spill. i also have a second round of left overs i'm considering even though it's way past my eating time. but it's saturday. :) 

also, i'm on a shopping fast but my sister is sending me some fire fashions. also, i'm drinking wine. which is out of the ordinary but not so much on the weekends. 

but i knew i wanted to write. really write. 
i have my laptop on my lap sitting on my comfy bed fully indulged in this moment. 

and i have a topic. one that was already pre-destined. my spiritual tribe knew that i would be sitting here. that at this time i would have the topic that i would have. one related to offense. 

offended that my character is often tried and my ability not only questioned but my inability too many times assumed. the systems of the world that seep into our environments at work, in our relationships at home are built to offend. especially for those who prosper despite of evil with the help of heaven. so one could say, i should expect attempts to offend. 

but what drove me here to this blog, to my laptop, was the hurt and heaviness of those attempts, both intentionally and unintentionally. because the questioning of my character by the world, the twisted questions and statements of the enemy served by those with access to me, sometimes have me questioning myself. and this isn't new. since i was an adolescent, i've questioned me. 

my ability to perform. my ability to trust myself. my ability to have faith, to hear God, to do the right thing. my ability to stand up for myself. my ability to be creative, to be smart, to be stylish, to be wanted, to be beautiful, to have fun. lol. and i would sink into this pools of despair full of hypotheticals. and then eventually grow tired of the redundancy of self-pity and choose to perform anyway. only to be met with confirmation that i am exactly who God created me to be at that time. and that He was and is always with me. and He has pre-destined me to live the life the Spirit leads me. 

and that is why offense should have no power. 

because in Christ, i am settled. my life, my purpose, they are settled. 
my success is settled. my fulfillment is settled. 
i do not have to see my life through the lens of men and the systems of this world. 
and i can rest in my decisions and the truth that regardless, God has worked all things out for my God. 

because Christ is my purpose and my identity. that could never come into question. 
and as long as i do the work to keep my spirit aligned in Him, offense can never reach me let alone overpower me. 

when i read John Bevere’s book, The Bait of Satan, I took notes. I highlighted and made comments. I'm going to go over them again because I need a reminder. 

this declaration from my last post is so fitting;

Father, I will not allow an unpleasant response from others to deter  from Your truth. I do not want to abandon the flow of the Spirit for the desires of men.

the weight of offense

 being on an everlasting journey of knowing and growing in Christ more is literally the best part of life.

in uncovering truths about Christ we uncover truths about ourselves and in relation to our experiences here on earth.

i’ve always struggled in my relationships with friends and community. some social norms don’t come as naturally to me and my perspective and thought patterns can come off as intense and/or insensitive. it created an insecurity in me and impacted my ability to make and have friends. (i’ve also always been adaptable & have made a way since my adolescence.) However, understanding why things are the way they are and uncovering secondary truths is not only empowering but brings wisdom. 

that’s what chapter 9: the rock of offense in John Bevere’s book, The Bait of Satan, did for me. 

________________

The story of John’s offense via Jesus while he was in jail is one i can relate to time and time again. feeling as if you deserve better, that you’re not being properly credited for your work, your accomplishments. feeling sorry for one’s self because another hasn’t lived up to our expectations. self-pity and pettiness.

“John is locked in prison and hears of Jesus’ ministry. he’s been locked up for some time and very few people are coming to visit. all your work has been in preparation of the Coming One and now that He’s here, are you even important anymore? Most of your followers have left you to follow Jesus. I mean you & Jesus have been locked in since you were in the womb and now He won’t even come visit you or get you out of jail. & you hear He out here hanging with thieves and prostitutes. He sends word to Jesus, “are you even the Coming One or are we waiting for another?!” 

aahahahahahahahahaha.

John probably assuming the worst. being mad at the Father and Christ. he knows who Jesus is but he’s being a smart ass because he’s salty. and i mean, he’s in jail, not like we would blame him.

but Jesus is really out here fulfilling a prophecy that John helped usher in. He’s healing and reconnecting people to the Father. and He responds to John informing him of what’s going on and adds, “and blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.” :)

Jesus knew John was feeling salty. & even though John’s perspective and behavior was unholy, Jesus had grace for Him understanding that Join is susceptible to fleshly and worldly feelings of fear & revenge. 

———————

i’ve been John many many times and i’m lucky enough to have experienced being wrong. many times i believed someone did or didn’t do something just to hurt me. i have spent many hours stuck in my own head creating scenarios that reinforced the idea that no one loves me. and everytime, i regretted it. 

my perspective was born out of hurt and fear. a losing combo. it was debilitating as it kept me stuck and in circles. 

“John didn’t know the whole picture or plan of God, just as we do not know the complete picture today.”

These declarations from this chapter are so perfect for me and exactly what i needed at this time in my walk with Christ. 

____________ DECLARATIONS

Father God, I want You to rule and reign in my life. I will not allow an attitude of spiritual legalism to rise above my desire for an intimate relationship with You.

Through the power of Your Holy Spirit, I declare that I will never wield the sword of division to my brothers and sisters in You, but I will live in peace with all who have called upon Your name and are part of Your kingdom.

Father, prevent me from being offended by the truth of Your Word when it is presented to me. Reveal my true motives so that I will never be tempted to uproot myself from those who preach Your truth.

Holy Spirit, enable me to live my life before my loved ones in such a way that they will see my love for You and be drawn to You.

Holy Spirit, remove any fear in me that if I do not fulfill the expectations of others, they will be hurt and offended by me.

Father, I will not allow an unpleasant response from others to deter  from Your truth. I do not want to abandon the flow of the Spirit for the desires of men.

a sad moment in time.

I say I don’t care

And when I say it, it feels true. 

But your absence tugs at my heart,

and I finally realized, 

I'd been lying to myself. 

Damn, so what does that mean?

Things I thought were true really aren’t?

Then what’s the real truth and how do I manage it?

It's sad that the truth behind some feelings takes some time to reveal themselves. 

And unless the conscious thought is given, they can stay hidden. 

Irrational feelings brought upon by defense mechanism can lead us, 

our thoughts, our actions, and the reactions we’re left to deal with. 

All based on an erratic unsustainable version of the truth. 

Why is that? Is it because we can’t handle the truth? 

Because I’d be lying if I said I knew what to do with it.

It doesn't seem that the world can handle truth. 

and so we’ve created mechanisms to either avoid it or twist it. 

And as a result, doing the most righteous thing seems so hard. So against our natural nature. Our pride. 

But what is pride, lol. 

According to Christ it is often misplaced, 

inflated by our ego and the cause of destruction. 

Is that what I want leading my decisions?

But it’s hard when i’m so familiar with the wrong way 

and the world, and at times our own communities, reject the right way. 

And your feelings, and your thoughts, your confidence, 

is based on some world created standard, 

so where does that leave you if you try something different?

Tbh, I am overflowing with emotion, feelings and their accompanying thoughts. 

My brain is like the ocean, tossing to and from, unsettled, chaotic, confused. 

I don’t know what I should want and even when I think I know what I do want, I don’t. 

Today, I’m crying out for help. 

unwavering

to have clarity on direction is a beautiful thing. 

to be committed to an idea, a vision, a theme, a moral compass is half the battle. 

how do we not constantly change our minds when so many opinions, theories, analysis are being offered to us consistently.

i mean capitalism suffers unless we're convinced that we need this new thing, to slay a new style, install a new habit, take on a new project, commit to this new lifestyle. 

our desire for improvement is being hijacked and manipulated. our desire to be open-minded is being hijacked for confusion. our desire to be accepting and compassionate is being hijacked for dollars. 

everything is business; education, healthcare, ministry.

how can we effectively navigate and stay the course when the track is always changing.

”And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ;“ Ephesians‬ ‭4‬:‭11‬-‭13‬ ‭NKJV‬‬ ”that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting,“ ‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4‬:‭14‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

”but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ— from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love.“

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4‬:‭15‬-‭16‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

It is God’s desire for us to be steadfast in our beliefs and goals. Of course it takes time to develop a direction, a plan, a vision, but once we’re putting the work in, it profits us to believe in the what and the why of what we’re doing. it profits us to stay focused and be weary of distractions. it profits us to sacrifice and invest for our beliefs and our goals.

a loose and unsecured soul is damaging. 

steadfastness is a virtue. 

for so long my aim to not be close-minded, arrogant, and stubborn led me to indecisiveness. not that i didn't believe what i believed, but how to act on it, to share it. how will my words be interpreted, will i change my mind, will i find out this isn't true, what are we really supposed to be focused on, if i say or post this will i promote the wrong thing.

yesterday i was thinking, if the world we were born into were different, more heavenly, where would i run to, what would be my sure thing? and almost instantly i realized it would be church. learning the Father, teaching Him, showing Him. to me there is nothing more pure, more right, more satisfying. but yet, in this world and in this life, i don't feel qualified.

but how can i be qualified to be myself?! as long as i’m being my authentic self to the best of my ability at the present time, what more can be asked of me, who can rightfully have a cursed word against me?!

and its taken me a long time to decide that. 

to be ok with myself as i am now. and maybe i did cheat a little bit. put in some work to strengthen my belief. kept prayers in my mouth and on my heart searching for answers to my questions, my confusion, a cure for my doubt. 

and i’m not all the way healed. & until i leave this world for God’s perfect one, i will never be. 

but don’t i owe it to my Father, myself my community to radically try with boldness and joy to offer what and who i am to community…

hey you :)

hi to myself. 

honestly, first and foremost, you've been doing great. 

in a world that is actively seeking to destroy you, 

you always get back up and try again. 

you stay close to heaven and always find a way to look up again. 

and you've made progress. 

you keep getting better at a pace that's perfect for you. 

not without tribulation, doubt and fear, 

but those demons cannot define your journey, 

rather they are used to shape your testimony. 

because your life is not only about you, 

but about those you impact, the seen and unseen. 

i'm stepping into a new layer of confidence. 

it's time. 

not simply as a partner and a mom or a lawyer, 

but as all of those things in this upgraded version. 

Grounded in God, Christ, Heaven, The Holy Spirit, 

and therefore, always floating. 

everything i need comes to me. 

i only want what i'm supposed to have, 

what God my Father has willed for me. 

i live in peace, my hope is limitless and so is God's favor. 

my energy and essence is powerful, 

and the world around me caters to me. 

to my confidence, my goodness, my heavenly magic. 

so the signs are always there, 

and the push to keep going is always felt. 

my eyes, ears and heart open to receive what Christ is telling me, showing me. 

i continue to get more perfect everyday. 

i trust me. i love me. 

and i am excited about the life God & I are creating for me. 

a trip to hell

 a few things.

knowing that God created you on purpose is a powerful revelation.  

i’ve been a little irresponsible. i’ve encountered many beautiful and healing truths that i’ve forgotten to write down. an injustice really.

but in an effort of amends, i come here with the intent of laying my current truth out with words.

that i’ve been away to a dark place. alone slowly sinking further into an abyss. fear filled me, fogging my vision like a haze of hate. i was present in body only. my mind had been lost and my soul was burning. 

the lies felt like the only truth i could trust. 

in those moments you need someone who won’t give up on you. even though the terror has you pushing them away. but God needs to remind you, a way to get you to remember, just for a second, an undeniable truth that is written on your heart. 

for me, that was that i was created on purpose. with intention. out of love. meant for joy. no matter what is happening now. all the mistakes i’ve made, the binds i’m currently in, my creation cannot be disputed and neither can the Creator. the Creator made me, & He is righteous, perfect and loves me perfectly. 

at once i realized the lie beneath my eyes. because no way could i be abandoned, left for dead, useless and invaluable. God called me a masterpiece, created me in His holy image. lol. my being is the embodiment of love, righteousness, glory. i’m the bees knees, 1 of 1, created on purpose, with intention, ain’t nun like me. :)

and God used this imperfect being and made him perfect for me. and sometimes that bothers me. because sometimes it doesn’t look how i think it should look. and then the question becomes what is the source of my vision. is it the world or is it Christ. and then layers of false truths, misconceptions and assumptions come unraveling.

i don’t know if the public will understand this one. i may be a little too in my head, driven by my heart. but it’s honesty and it’s necessary. 

you were created in the image of God and no matter how far we go off course or distance ourselves from that truth we can always decide we want it to be true again and God will honor us, honor His truth, His original love for you when He made us, when Christ died for us. the greatest fucking sacrifice! for you. for us. 

 _________ some new affirmations in rotation____________

God is my father. 

Christ is the Son of God and my brother.

Christ saved me from destruction and from the evil of and in this world.

God has created me in His image, i am an image bearer of God my father, of Heaven, holiness, righteousness, power, peace, joy, wisdom, beauty and all good things.

i have been given power over all the powers and principalities of this world through Christ the Son, the Holy Spirit within me and God my Father. 

the Father will never forsake me, Christ is never far from me and the Holy Spirit is always in me guiding me.

i rebuke all devils, demons and any evil thing, lie & perversion from me, my family, our communities, our dwellings & possessions and anything that concerns us, & i send them to where Jesus sends them and i bind them & command them to stay there. 

in Jesus name, amen 🙏🏾 

I Meant to Post This in January.

i'm so happy i get to be here, 

...knowing that my North Star has never lost sight of me. 

even in times of uncertainty and insecurity,

i was in the right space, at the right time.

these past 6+ months i've done work, unknowingly.

last feb, i experienced one of the most debilitating depressive episodes.

i knew i needed help and that i had to do something.

i just wanted to survive.

little did i know i was setting myself up to thrive.

i faced uncomfortable truths and it was a test of the faith i used to fight and heal.

and those battles were not only faced and won,

but room was made and growth flourished.

kindness, forgiveness, honesty and confidence,

all came flooding my heart and soul.

and the fruit of my labor, while being unexpected is red carpet welcomed.

i never realized so many other positive things would take shape in my life.

i just wanted to stop beating myself up to the point of hatred,

but i ended up gaining multiple layers of love and compassion for myself, 

the person i was and the person i'm becoming.

A Side of Christ

i was feeling low on faith. 

some tough realities were bothering me. 
hindering me from feeling good, feeling motivated, 
loved and valuable.

because this can be super harmful if not addressed, 
I Had To Get Stuck on Jesus, and quick. 

anyway, that led me to this T.D. Jakes sermon, 
which prompted a reading of Luke 17. 

& it's not that this scripture directly addressed 
my lack-luster preceding moments, 
but it brought Jesus before me, 
not only in the real way of being reminded 
His presence and goodness are 24/7/365, 
but in a new way. wow. 

a picture of His character, an 
understanding of His will & perspective 
that I had not been ready to see before. 

In ways that correspond to the woman I am today. 
a black woman, one of God's. 
& the realities that I face and the comforts I seek.
the offenses perpetuated against me & the
offense I myself perpetrate against others. 

& let me tell you, I had my suspicions, 
but Jesus really is that guy. 

_______________________________________

We are often taught the concept of forgiveness in church, 
but never really taught how to deal with violence perpetuated against us, 
whether that violence be emotional, mental, physical, sexual, etc...

& what can end up happening, is our relationship with Christ can suffer, 
and we can begin to move away from the church after suffering something traumatic, 
because it seems that Christ has no help for us, for our feelings and our present troubles. 

but that's wrong. because where you're righteously angry, so is Christ. 
& forgiveness is not just given, it is earned. 
& like you and me, Christ also rebukes and turns away those who harm unjustifiably, 

In Luke 17, Jesus tells us that those who seek to harm His family, 
would be better off killing themselves. 

& when a brother sins against us, we should rebuke them. Talk to them.
Tell them that they hurt you and how, and what should have been done instead. 
only then, and if, you're brother acknowledges their behavior and seeks retribution & forgiveness, 
then you must forgive them. 

but the forgiveness is earned, not freely given. 
there is acknowledgement of the sin that was done against you, 
and it wasn't swept over or dismissed, 
it must be addressed. 
because wrongs against you aren't okay. 
& we have the Godly agency to protect ourselves & our families, 
from those who callously commit harm against others. 

so for women who are violated over and over, 
and children who are preyed upon, 
their violators are not entitled to forgiveness, 
& the saving of their lives, is not our concern. 
there is a God who acknowledges our pain, 
and who grieves with us as we heal, 
and respects our anger. 

and while that righteous anger is there, 
and that space for unforgiveness of evil, 
we still have a duty to also forgive those who righteously seek forgiveness. 
who put in the work to repent. to change their ways and offer countenance to those they've hurt. 
Jesus says although it is hard, it is your reasonable service to do so, 
an unprofitable act, 
because it is what has been done for you and i. 

this side of Christ, 
His righteous anger, 
His talk of death for those that are evil, 
the conditions of forgiveness, 
I had not seen before, 
and I am so thankful for it. 

the accountability factor

i'm starting this at work because it's super important to me that it gets done and after two days, we still have not started. 

this is a repeating pattern in my life. create mini goals and then forget about them. since they aren't huge milestone goals like, get a job, graduate college, they get passed over as too much time goes by. 

but i'm repenting. changing my mind about how i approach these goals. because honestly, they are smaller steps to bigger pictures. and as i get older, i realize how significant and necessary these smaller goals are. and honestly i'm tired of the lack of consistency and commitment. 

damn near every day God puts amazing ideas into my head. and like an inconsistent shepherd, i do not always put in the effort to address them. i'm hopeful about creating lasting change and this post is an element of that hope. 

i would also like to say that i am not ashamed of my shortcomings because i know that my family and I's success and wellbeing is not dependent on perfection. i also love who i am, who i was and who i am becoming. this is not an effort to change out of disdain, but out of a motivation and responsibility to level up. 

this is my accountability factor, my initiation factor, my affirmation factor. this is also an attempt at transparency because honesty is beautiful and so am i.

a conversation : Easter significance

all the holidays that center Jesus are important to me. 
Easter is no exception. I love the association with newness, growth,
once was dead is now alive. spring. :)

but even beyond that. into the moments that precede that Resurrection Sunday.
Jesus’s moments. with the Father, His companions, His enemies. 

this year I gave up something for lent.
something i really did not want to give up too.
and I knew i would need the Spirit of the Lord to follow through. 

i also read some bible plans that highlighted why i chose to even participate in lent.
to acknowledge the 40 days and 40 nights Christ spent in the wilderness being tested,
prior to fulfilling His mission on the cross.
and to force myself into a commitment that although would be good for me, made me seriously uncomfortable.
a commitment that i made to and with the Father as worship and praise because He strengthens me for all good work, and all things work together for the good of those that love Him. 

i am filled with gratitude and i needed to share.
i needed to share with someone who is so important to me something that is so important to me.
i had to share this praise, worship, acknowledgment, understanding, and revelation with my person.
and so today we talked about the significance of Easter.
well, mostly i talked, but it is God’s Spirit that leads me.
and in those moments we got to dwell on Jesus and remember
and remind ourselves of God’s intention and Jesus’s journey.

i’m not saying this is a huge deal or some cause for celebration,
but it is special to me.

i love God, i love learning about my relationship with Him,
His work in creating me, His work in saving me.
and to get to share that with the most significant person in my life is everything. 

to see my relationship constantly growing,
constantly leaning on God’s faithfulness is all I could ever want for my family.
It is what Christ died to give me and we are forever eternally grateful and faithful.

something radical

i wanted to come here before my computer falls asleep to start this. 
at least. because it is so important to me. 
and the habit of forgetting that, is getting old. 

how many times will i forget, 
that i am made up of words. 
God's words. towards me. for me. 

they tried to update blogger while i was away. 
nice try, but try harder. 
anyway, grateful for this medium regardless. 
simple. straight to the point. 

i made a voice note recently, 
about a moment that happened while I was praying. 
a shift in perspective, in not only what I was praying for, 
but also in my approach to our Father. 

Ultimately it had to do with asking and believing for something, 
that may or may not work within the law that our Father has established for this time. 
Because I was praying for someone else and I don't know their relationship with the Father. 
and for some reason I felt that whatever that relationship was, would affect the answer to my prayer. 

But when Jesus healed one at the request of another, 
it was never the faith of the sick that was questioned. 
(in some instances, the sick were dead.)
Jesus healed on account of the one asking. 
the father, the sister, the brother. 

we should never let pre-judgements take up room in our prayers for other people. 
it is not Godly, it is not how Jesus moved. 
i know that my Father is a Healer and wills for us to be and live healed. 
everyone! & I know that regardless of the circumstances, the miracles of my Father
will be a testament to His love and faithfulness, 
bringing glory to the Kingdom. 

sometimes it's so hard to live in the truth of God, 
because it is so different from our worldly way. 
but when we sit on a verse, a truth of God, 
& focus on it, dwell on it, meditate on it, day and night, 
think of it in relation to everything else thought of,
because the truth of God is the highest truth, nothing else is truer, 
that Word becomes a part of you. 
it becomes apart of your dna and changes you. 
changes things around you. 

our Father brought me here to tell me this, 
because i myself am changing. 
and it is my legacy that motivates that change daily. 

living God's truth relentlessly, is radical. 
it takes true intent, patience and boldness. 
it is unlike anything else, 
but it is your born again right to live in that power. 
and you can do it, and you will do it. 
and you are doing it right now. 

in the name of Jesus in which i live and breath. amen. 

the testimony of a failure.

it's a bit of a challenge for me to even start this.
considering where i start, how i start,
the places my spirit has been,
the lessons i've learned,
the realizations that i've had.

ultimately, i'm in a better place than i was a few weeks ago,
a few months ago,
a few years ago.
i truly hope you can say the same.

however, for a short time, i didn't feel like it.
i had felt the worst i have ever felt in a very long time.
this time, not at the hands of another,
but at my own.
that sense of failure is the worse.
when you feel that you are the cause of your own demise,
that you don't have what it takes to get where you 'need' to be.

it was important for me to write this for a few reasons.
one. to share my testimony of failure.
honestly, a huge part of my purpose is to overcome. as proof that it can be done.
two. for myself. to put into permanent words that i am in this uncertain and unfamiliar circumstance but yet, it still does not define me.
that at the same time i am living through something so undesirable,
i have so much to be thankful for.
to realize my own power is not all that matters, but that the gifts that God gives me through other people are just as significant and glorious.
truly very humbling.

i pride myself on being self-sustainable.
and even as i type those words i realize there is so much wrong with that statement.
pride is a farce.
a fake force we use to stand upon that ultimately will never do anything of value for us.
it is not how we or this world were created.
and self-sustainable? what a joke.
it is one thing to be lazy and to rely on others for everything with no intention of giving back,
and it is another to walk around as if you actually made yourself.
as if you thought of yourself before the creation of the earth.
as if you birthed yourself.
we literally must rely on the selflessness of another to be born.
and that is not a burden, but a gift.
therefore to realize that we were created to need help,
to work with others,
to give and to be given unto
is not a negative trait or weakness,
but actually a great strength.

i feel the tears coming now
as the spirit of God leads me through this post.
i usually always tend to know what i want to write,
but God always leads the words i use,
establishes the points that are made,
lays out the truths that are revealed.
He is truly the author.

i don't want to get too specific about the failure i've experienced.
for while i regard these words as personal while still open to having them read by the public,
there are some i wish i could actually block.
and i do not have enough strength as of yet,
to be vulnerable with those
i truly do not personally prefer.

but know, that i would be categorized as ambitious.
and career accomplishments mean a great deal more than they should to me.
and in one of my greatest and most challenging marathons, i have 'failed'.

failed is in quotes, because honestly, it is subjective and objective at the same time.
i literally did fail the challenge, but my failure has aided in my success in so many other areas of my existence that God would find much more important.
and realizing that was another challenge.
a challenge that i am winning at.

my dad reminded me of something a few days ago,
that a true test and showing of character are our actions when we fall.
so while it was tough getting back up. so so tough.
especially after truly wishing i were dead instead of alive,
believing that i wasn't worth the ground that i was walking on,
feeling unworthy of all the blessings i had received and was still receiving,
after some time i still got up.
i am still thankful.
i still feel blessed.
i still feel like i'm the shxt.
i still feel that God created me on purpose,
and that i cannot be faded.

on top of that,
i still receive opportunities to do what i've always wanted to do.
my cup is still overflowing,
and God has been there every step of the way. 

so honestly, i must ask God for forgiveness.
not for doubting His existence,
but doubting His provision and love for me.
for undermining His purpose and believing that me and my life must have been a mistake.
the thoughts i thought, the words i spoke, the feelings i allowed myself to feel
were a disservice to me and all those who cared for me.
i shut people out, i wallowed in my pain and found joy in my demise.
it was selfish, shortsighted and ignorant.
i let the enemy convince me that all God had done for me meant nothing.
i let myself believe that all God had helped me accomplish thus far was a joke.

it's funny. i 'pride' myself in seeing the value of community. lol.
and i turn my nose up at elitism.
but when it comes to myself, i let the very truths i preach, do nothing to lift me up.
some of my mentees reached out to me that weekend, unknowing of the tragic circumstance,
to tell me how much i meant to them.
my life long friends reached out to me repeatedly so concerned with my well-being, also not knowing the circumstance.
my parents still had the audacity to be proud of me even though i felt as if i let them down.
my mentor still saw value in me, my colleagues still wanted to collaborate with me.
i had to dig deep into the Word of God to seek understanding only to find it and establish an even greater relationship.
i am looking at myself from the outside in to see the most accurate perspective of my life and my circumstance and what i see, i am still in love with. <3