the weight of offense

 being on an everlasting journey of knowing and growing in Christ more is literally the best part of life.

in uncovering truths about Christ we uncover truths about ourselves and in relation to our experiences here on earth.

i’ve always struggled in my relationships with friends and community. some social norms don’t come as naturally to me and my perspective and thought patterns can come off as intense and/or insensitive. it created an insecurity in me and impacted my ability to make and have friends. (i’ve also always been adaptable & have made a way since my adolescence.) However, understanding why things are the way they are and uncovering secondary truths is not only empowering but brings wisdom. 

that’s what chapter 9: the rock of offense in John Bevere’s book, The Bait of Satan, did for me. 

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The story of John’s offense via Jesus while he was in jail is one i can relate to time and time again. feeling as if you deserve better, that you’re not being properly credited for your work, your accomplishments. feeling sorry for one’s self because another hasn’t lived up to our expectations. self-pity and pettiness.

“John is locked in prison and hears of Jesus’ ministry. he’s been locked up for some time and very few people are coming to visit. all your work has been in preparation of the Coming One and now that He’s here, are you even important anymore? Most of your followers have left you to follow Jesus. I mean you & Jesus have been locked in since you were in the womb and now He won’t even come visit you or get you out of jail. & you hear He out here hanging with thieves and prostitutes. He sends word to Jesus, “are you even the Coming One or are we waiting for another?!” 

aahahahahahahahahaha.

John probably assuming the worst. being mad at the Father and Christ. he knows who Jesus is but he’s being a smart ass because he’s salty. and i mean, he’s in jail, not like we would blame him.

but Jesus is really out here fulfilling a prophecy that John helped usher in. He’s healing and reconnecting people to the Father. and He responds to John informing him of what’s going on and adds, “and blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.” :)

Jesus knew John was feeling salty. & even though John’s perspective and behavior was unholy, Jesus had grace for Him understanding that Join is susceptible to fleshly and worldly feelings of fear & revenge. 

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i’ve been John many many times and i’m lucky enough to have experienced being wrong. many times i believed someone did or didn’t do something just to hurt me. i have spent many hours stuck in my own head creating scenarios that reinforced the idea that no one loves me. and everytime, i regretted it. 

my perspective was born out of hurt and fear. a losing combo. it was debilitating as it kept me stuck and in circles. 

“John didn’t know the whole picture or plan of God, just as we do not know the complete picture today.”

These declarations from this chapter are so perfect for me and exactly what i needed at this time in my walk with Christ. 

____________ DECLARATIONS

Father God, I want You to rule and reign in my life. I will not allow an attitude of spiritual legalism to rise above my desire for an intimate relationship with You.

Through the power of Your Holy Spirit, I declare that I will never wield the sword of division to my brothers and sisters in You, but I will live in peace with all who have called upon Your name and are part of Your kingdom.

Father, prevent me from being offended by the truth of Your Word when it is presented to me. Reveal my true motives so that I will never be tempted to uproot myself from those who preach Your truth.

Holy Spirit, enable me to live my life before my loved ones in such a way that they will see my love for You and be drawn to You.

Holy Spirit, remove any fear in me that if I do not fulfill the expectations of others, they will be hurt and offended by me.

Father, I will not allow an unpleasant response from others to deter  from Your truth. I do not want to abandon the flow of the Spirit for the desires of men.

a sad moment in time.

I say I don’t care

And when I say it, it feels true. 

But your absence tugs at my heart,

and I finally realized, 

I'd been lying to myself. 

Damn, so what does that mean?

Things I thought were true really aren’t?

Then what’s the real truth and how do I manage it?

It's sad that the truth behind some feelings takes some time to reveal themselves. 

And unless the conscious thought is given, they can stay hidden. 

Irrational feelings brought upon by defense mechanism can lead us, 

our thoughts, our actions, and the reactions we’re left to deal with. 

All based on an erratic unsustainable version of the truth. 

Why is that? Is it because we can’t handle the truth? 

Because I’d be lying if I said I knew what to do with it.

It doesn't seem that the world can handle truth. 

and so we’ve created mechanisms to either avoid it or twist it. 

And as a result, doing the most righteous thing seems so hard. So against our natural nature. Our pride. 

But what is pride, lol. 

According to Christ it is often misplaced, 

inflated by our ego and the cause of destruction. 

Is that what I want leading my decisions?

But it’s hard when i’m so familiar with the wrong way 

and the world, and at times our own communities, reject the right way. 

And your feelings, and your thoughts, your confidence, 

is based on some world created standard, 

so where does that leave you if you try something different?

Tbh, I am overflowing with emotion, feelings and their accompanying thoughts. 

My brain is like the ocean, tossing to and from, unsettled, chaotic, confused. 

I don’t know what I should want and even when I think I know what I do want, I don’t. 

Today, I’m crying out for help. 

unwavering

to have clarity on direction is a beautiful thing. 

to be committed to an idea, a vision, a theme, a moral compass is half the battle. 

how do we not constantly change our minds when so many opinions, theories, analysis are being offered to us consistently.

i mean capitalism suffers unless we're convinced that we need this new thing, to slay a new style, install a new habit, take on a new project, commit to this new lifestyle. 

our desire for improvement is being hijacked and manipulated. our desire to be open-minded is being hijacked for confusion. our desire to be accepting and compassionate is being hijacked for dollars. 

everything is business; education, healthcare, ministry.

how can we effectively navigate and stay the course when the track is always changing.

”And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ;“ Ephesians‬ ‭4‬:‭11‬-‭13‬ ‭NKJV‬‬ ”that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting,“ ‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4‬:‭14‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

”but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ— from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love.“

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4‬:‭15‬-‭16‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

It is God’s desire for us to be steadfast in our beliefs and goals. Of course it takes time to develop a direction, a plan, a vision, but once we’re putting the work in, it profits us to believe in the what and the why of what we’re doing. it profits us to stay focused and be weary of distractions. it profits us to sacrifice and invest for our beliefs and our goals.

a loose and unsecured soul is damaging. 

steadfastness is a virtue. 

for so long my aim to not be close-minded, arrogant, and stubborn led me to indecisiveness. not that i didn't believe what i believed, but how to act on it, to share it. how will my words be interpreted, will i change my mind, will i find out this isn't true, what are we really supposed to be focused on, if i say or post this will i promote the wrong thing.

yesterday i was thinking, if the world we were born into were different, more heavenly, where would i run to, what would be my sure thing? and almost instantly i realized it would be church. learning the Father, teaching Him, showing Him. to me there is nothing more pure, more right, more satisfying. but yet, in this world and in this life, i don't feel qualified.

but how can i be qualified to be myself?! as long as i’m being my authentic self to the best of my ability at the present time, what more can be asked of me, who can rightfully have a cursed word against me?!

and its taken me a long time to decide that. 

to be ok with myself as i am now. and maybe i did cheat a little bit. put in some work to strengthen my belief. kept prayers in my mouth and on my heart searching for answers to my questions, my confusion, a cure for my doubt. 

and i’m not all the way healed. & until i leave this world for God’s perfect one, i will never be. 

but don’t i owe it to my Father, myself my community to radically try with boldness and joy to offer what and who i am to community…