a sad moment in time.

I say I don’t care

And when I say it, it feels true. 

But your absence tugs at my heart,

and I finally realized, 

I'd been lying to myself. 

Damn, so what does that mean?

Things I thought were true really aren’t?

Then what’s the real truth and how do I manage it?

It's sad that the truth behind some feelings takes some time to reveal themselves. 

And unless the conscious thought is given, they can stay hidden. 

Irrational feelings brought upon by defense mechanism can lead us, 

our thoughts, our actions, and the reactions we’re left to deal with. 

All based on an erratic unsustainable version of the truth. 

Why is that? Is it because we can’t handle the truth? 

Because I’d be lying if I said I knew what to do with it.

It doesn't seem that the world can handle truth. 

and so we’ve created mechanisms to either avoid it or twist it. 

And as a result, doing the most righteous thing seems so hard. So against our natural nature. Our pride. 

But what is pride, lol. 

According to Christ it is often misplaced, 

inflated by our ego and the cause of destruction. 

Is that what I want leading my decisions?

But it’s hard when i’m so familiar with the wrong way 

and the world, and at times our own communities, reject the right way. 

And your feelings, and your thoughts, your confidence, 

is based on some world created standard, 

so where does that leave you if you try something different?

Tbh, I am overflowing with emotion, feelings and their accompanying thoughts. 

My brain is like the ocean, tossing to and from, unsettled, chaotic, confused. 

I don’t know what I should want and even when I think I know what I do want, I don’t. 

Today, I’m crying out for help. 

unwavering

to have clarity on direction is a beautiful thing. 

to be committed to an idea, a vision, a theme, a moral compass is half the battle. 

how do we not constantly change our minds when so many opinions, theories, analysis are being offered to us consistently.

i mean capitalism suffers unless we're convinced that we need this new thing, to slay a new style, install a new habit, take on a new project, commit to this new lifestyle. 

our desire for improvement is being hijacked and manipulated. our desire to be open-minded is being hijacked for confusion. our desire to be accepting and compassionate is being hijacked for dollars. 

everything is business; education, healthcare, ministry.

how can we effectively navigate and stay the course when the track is always changing.

”And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ;“ Ephesians‬ ‭4‬:‭11‬-‭13‬ ‭NKJV‬‬ ”that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting,“ ‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4‬:‭14‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

”but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ— from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love.“

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4‬:‭15‬-‭16‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

It is God’s desire for us to be steadfast in our beliefs and goals. Of course it takes time to develop a direction, a plan, a vision, but once we’re putting the work in, it profits us to believe in the what and the why of what we’re doing. it profits us to stay focused and be weary of distractions. it profits us to sacrifice and invest for our beliefs and our goals.

a loose and unsecured soul is damaging. 

steadfastness is a virtue. 

for so long my aim to not be close-minded, arrogant, and stubborn led me to indecisiveness. not that i didn't believe what i believed, but how to act on it, to share it. how will my words be interpreted, will i change my mind, will i find out this isn't true, what are we really supposed to be focused on, if i say or post this will i promote the wrong thing.

yesterday i was thinking, if the world we were born into were different, more heavenly, where would i run to, what would be my sure thing? and almost instantly i realized it would be church. learning the Father, teaching Him, showing Him. to me there is nothing more pure, more right, more satisfying. but yet, in this world and in this life, i don't feel qualified.

but how can i be qualified to be myself?! as long as i’m being my authentic self to the best of my ability at the present time, what more can be asked of me, who can rightfully have a cursed word against me?!

and its taken me a long time to decide that. 

to be ok with myself as i am now. and maybe i did cheat a little bit. put in some work to strengthen my belief. kept prayers in my mouth and on my heart searching for answers to my questions, my confusion, a cure for my doubt. 

and i’m not all the way healed. & until i leave this world for God’s perfect one, i will never be. 

but don’t i owe it to my Father, myself my community to radically try with boldness and joy to offer what and who i am to community…

hey you :)

hi to myself. 

honestly, first and foremost, you've been doing great. 

in a world that is actively seeking to destroy you, 

you always get back up and try again. 

you stay close to heaven and always find a way to look up again. 

and you've made progress. 

you keep getting better at a pace that's perfect for you. 

not without tribulation, doubt and fear, 

but those demons cannot define your journey, 

rather they are used to shape your testimony. 

because your life is not only about you, 

but about those you impact, the seen and unseen. 

i'm stepping into a new layer of confidence. 

it's time. 

not simply as a partner and a mom or a lawyer, 

but as all of those things in this upgraded version. 

Grounded in God, Christ, Heaven, The Holy Spirit, 

and therefore, always floating. 

everything i need comes to me. 

i only want what i'm supposed to have, 

what God my Father has willed for me. 

i live in peace, my hope is limitless and so is God's favor. 

my energy and essence is powerful, 

and the world around me caters to me. 

to my confidence, my goodness, my heavenly magic. 

so the signs are always there, 

and the push to keep going is always felt. 

my eyes, ears and heart open to receive what Christ is telling me, showing me. 

i continue to get more perfect everyday. 

i trust me. i love me. 

and i am excited about the life God & I are creating for me. 

a trip to hell

 a few things.

knowing that God created you on purpose is a powerful revelation.  

i’ve been a little irresponsible. i’ve encountered many beautiful and healing truths that i’ve forgotten to write down. an injustice really.

but in an effort of amends, i come here with the intent of laying my current truth out with words.

that i’ve been away to a dark place. alone slowly sinking further into an abyss. fear filled me, fogging my vision like a haze of hate. i was present in body only. my mind had been lost and my soul was burning. 

the lies felt like the only truth i could trust. 

in those moments you need someone who won’t give up on you. even though the terror has you pushing them away. but God needs to remind you, a way to get you to remember, just for a second, an undeniable truth that is written on your heart. 

for me, that was that i was created on purpose. with intention. out of love. meant for joy. no matter what is happening now. all the mistakes i’ve made, the binds i’m currently in, my creation cannot be disputed and neither can the Creator. the Creator made me, & He is righteous, perfect and loves me perfectly. 

at once i realized the lie beneath my eyes. because no way could i be abandoned, left for dead, useless and invaluable. God called me a masterpiece, created me in His holy image. lol. my being is the embodiment of love, righteousness, glory. i’m the bees knees, 1 of 1, created on purpose, with intention, ain’t nun like me. :)

and God used this imperfect being and made him perfect for me. and sometimes that bothers me. because sometimes it doesn’t look how i think it should look. and then the question becomes what is the source of my vision. is it the world or is it Christ. and then layers of false truths, misconceptions and assumptions come unraveling.

i don’t know if the public will understand this one. i may be a little too in my head, driven by my heart. but it’s honesty and it’s necessary. 

you were created in the image of God and no matter how far we go off course or distance ourselves from that truth we can always decide we want it to be true again and God will honor us, honor His truth, His original love for you when He made us, when Christ died for us. the greatest fucking sacrifice! for you. for us. 

 _________ some new affirmations in rotation____________

God is my father. 

Christ is the Son of God and my brother.

Christ saved me from destruction and from the evil of and in this world.

God has created me in His image, i am an image bearer of God my father, of Heaven, holiness, righteousness, power, peace, joy, wisdom, beauty and all good things.

i have been given power over all the powers and principalities of this world through Christ the Son, the Holy Spirit within me and God my Father. 

the Father will never forsake me, Christ is never far from me and the Holy Spirit is always in me guiding me.

i rebuke all devils, demons and any evil thing, lie & perversion from me, my family, our communities, our dwellings & possessions and anything that concerns us, & i send them to where Jesus sends them and i bind them & command them to stay there. 

in Jesus name, amen 🙏🏾 

I Meant to Post This in January.

i'm so happy i get to be here, 

...knowing that my North Star has never lost sight of me. 

even in times of uncertainty and insecurity,

i was in the right space, at the right time.

these past 6+ months i've done work, unknowingly.

last feb, i experienced one of the most debilitating depressive episodes.

i knew i needed help and that i had to do something.

i just wanted to survive.

little did i know i was setting myself up to thrive.

i faced uncomfortable truths and it was a test of the faith i used to fight and heal.

and those battles were not only faced and won,

but room was made and growth flourished.

kindness, forgiveness, honesty and confidence,

all came flooding my heart and soul.

and the fruit of my labor, while being unexpected is red carpet welcomed.

i never realized so many other positive things would take shape in my life.

i just wanted to stop beating myself up to the point of hatred,

but i ended up gaining multiple layers of love and compassion for myself, 

the person i was and the person i'm becoming.